The Beginning of My Duty as House Officer

Working life... have been tough for me. N i think for everyone too. Currently im working in Sandakan, far far away from my home, a place i never come n never thought would stay for years.

19/5/2014, i started my induction, which marks the beginning of my career. although that one week only sit, eat n sleep, but my salary started from that date. before that, i wanted to stay unemployed as long as i can, because i knew working life would be shit, n i wanted to chill n enjoy first. but i cant escape from reality, the medical degree im holding, means i have to go through shit. on the first night of induction, i got the letter of my posting. Sandakan. since then i had been busy searching for accomodation, because the hospital got no hostel or quarters for us.

24/5/2014, my whole family sent my youngest brother to his further studies. UNITEN doesnt look that bad, so he surely can do well there.  n thats also my last time i see all my family before i came to Sandakan.

25/5/2014, i came to Sandakan via MAS. i met her family, they were all good, n asked me to take good care of her. n i met my soon-to-be colleague Farid too. the journey was long, almost as long as Jogja journey. Sandakan airport is a small airport, n lousy as well. expected thing. we went to our own apartment, n i had to help her carry her heavy luggages up to second floor. n my own to first floor. Our apartment was just beside the big main road. so we could clearly hear all the cars n motorbikes passing. seriously annoying noisy shit. n there i met with my housemate, an indian lady, houseman too. she spoke of her 6 months experience here, a bit. apparently, we dont need to wear doctor coat, n during weekend just wear anything we like. we went Giant to buy some stuff, by public bus, n by the time we finished, its already quite late, n no more bus available. we had to call taxi, n the taxi charged per person, ridiculous thing.

26/5/2014, our first day in Hospital Duchess of Kent. total of 4 houseman entering this day, me, her, farid n nadiah. our pengarah gave us 2 choices for our first posting. O&G n medical. so me n her chose O&G. n since then...

for every new posting, we will undergo at least 2 weeks of TAGGING. while on tag, we need to work from early morning to late at night, everyday without rest. for O&G, its 6.30am to 10pm. for Paediatrics, what i heard is 6am to sometimes 1am. while on tag, we are supposed to learn everything, so that we can off tag n start operate, start on call. the first few days working, i didnt even know how the system work, things are so much different from my Koas time. n the short forms, seriously killing newbies. almost everyday i was scolded, from my MO n my specialists. from small minor things, to some quite serious mistakes, they would just scold in front of patients. until i had patient telling me that im very kesian kena marah in front of patients n she felt bad for me. i just smiled n said biasalah, memang i salah.

I finally off tag after 3 weeks, yeah got extended a bit but its ok for me, because i got more time to learn before i on call. my first on call was still 2 ho in antenatal, 1 in labour room, 1 in gynae. those in antenatal will take care of new admissions and the ward, those in labour room will take care of all the delivery, n gynae will take care of gynae, n go to OT if there is any case.

as more n more ho leaving O&G, n no new ho entering, after my 3rd on call, we only had 1 ho each in antenatal, labour room n gynae. n after that, on call no more from 2pm to next day 2pm (24 hours), but from 6am to next day 12pm (30 hours). i must say, working for 24 hours is tough, working 30 hours is tougher. n if there is any funny strange cases, or red alert, its hell.

we work more than 80 hours a week. compared with a teacher, who work less than 40 hours a week, n comparing our salary, seriously doctors are not that rich. n the amount of stress, between life n death, medicolegal n stuff, its challenging n scary. i have seen the one of the worst things in O&G, n that case stuck in our minds, even after almost or more than one month, i still can spell out the patient's name correctly.

there have been some patients telling me life as doctor isnt easy after seeing me working for long hours. those are good people, at least they are understading.

i try to mix well with the nurses. because i know i need them to help me most of the time. although sometimes they appear to be annoying, like asking me to pasang branula as if they cant do it n i have a lot of free time. but i just do it, because i depend on them a lot. they take vital sign, do pad charting, n measure urine. n clean shits. which i feel blessed they never come n say to me: doctor, patient itu dah berak, tolong pergi bersihkan.

i have time to write this entry, because i just finished my 30--hour call yesterday, n slept from 4pm to this morning, n im off today.

台湾之旅感想

去了台湾近两个星期，游了台南、台中、阿里山、花莲、九份和台北，花了不少钱买来这段美好的经历。虽然在九份时因为不舒服而只走了九份老街，遗憾错过金瓜石、菁铜、十分等。

台湾之旅给我的感触是，台湾人大致上都不像新闻看到的台湾政治人物互相丢椅子泼水的那般野蛮。

台湾人很准时。在台南过了一夜，一早要搭的士，我就打了个电话。电话上说的士三分钟后到。我们还很稳重地收拾、下楼梯，然后等。等了一会儿，怎么还没来？我再打电话过去。哈哈，原来他来了，又走了，因为三分钟后他来我们还没来。还有就是在奋起湖，司机阿龙说午餐后一点半开车。我们还无忧无虑地四处走到处拍照。结果他亲自跑来找我们，说都已经超过一点半了。在台湾各地的火车也蛮准时的，不像这里的，说好的十五分钟一趟，总是来不到。

在台湾很难找到路边的垃圾桶，通常都要到7-11就一定有。可是，路上却是很难看到垃圾。所以即使手上有垃圾，也不好意思随便丢。通常都要拿着，一直到7-11才丢。

以上两点真的让我佩服。我们这里的人啊，不会守时，垃圾乱丢。

在台湾，若是迷路了，或是不知道怎么走，随便问问路人，他们都会讲解得很清楚怎样走。但我一直都有看到外国人说我们马来西亚人很热情，我想我们应该也是会和外国人导航的，不是吗？

在台湾要找吃的，最重要的规则就是：看到很多人排队的就去买。因为同样的食物，一条街可以有几个档口在卖，但只有一个才是正宗的。虽然招牌大家都写多少年的老店、哪里最纯特产等。最夸张的是在花莲的曾记麻吉。三条路就有六间。害我不知道其中是不是有假的。后来问司机才知道，每一间都是曾记，是为了方便买家，所以这里一间，对面一间……

那时正是春天，天气冷，街上的人都穿得很厚。没有看到所谓的摈榔西施。由于冬季已过，到处都在大减价，要卖掉冬装，而换夏装了。有四季的国家不错的，总有服装大减价。因为如果今年的冬装卖不完，明年就被嫌过时了。

台北渔人码头情人桥

生活很忙碌。忙着休息，忙着睡觉，忙着打Dota，很忙很忙。忙到我又是很久没有来写东西。

农历新年了。终于又有机会回家过年。就觉得真的会肥很多。再加上二月十三号要回去毕业，都不知道会怎样。

接下来有一段时间，想想下，好像没有特别什么事情做。是有考虑练习练习创作。

但是，还是比较喜欢睡觉。

祝大家马年龙马精神

Talking about E-Sports

What is E-Sports? E-Sports is electronic sports, which can be interpreted as video games. Playing video games competitively, compete with other players, to win not only for the sake of fun, also for pride and money and many other more.

Recently, Orange Neolution E-Sports from Malaysia, got third place in The International 3, and prize of 287,000 USD.

Mushi, the captain of Orange, getting respect from the opponent, Dendi, after their defeat at The International 3.

By playing video game, this team which consists of 5 players, won 287,000 USD, nearly 1 million Ringgit Malaysia. If they get to divide equally this prize to each of them, one will get around RM200,000.

The five who almost entered the Grand Final of The International 3.

It is true that only very damn rare that you can earn money from playing video games. Like the case of Orange in Malaysia, who else play Dota 2 and win huge money? Out of thousands of Dota 2 players in Malaysia, only 5 make it. Some others may have won local tournaments but those are so little when compared to this RM200,000 per person, and hardly enough for living.

I always compare e-sports with football today. Playing football for many people is a hobby. But the selected ones can play football as their occupation, and earn money more than a lot of professionals. In a normal family, the parents will tell the children that playing football will not have bright future, important thing is to study properly. But some will still be football legends in the future.

Just the same for e-sports actually. For normal people, video games are just hobby. They will not promise you a bright future. But look at these Orange guys, they not only have this 287,000 USD prize, they have also earned respects from Dota 2 fans from the whole world. In certain countries, like China, USA, and a few more (sorry I don't know which country else), they really take e-sports seriously and have professional players who play video games and earn monthly stable salary. A Malaysian also move to China to play for a team from China, which was the Champion of The International 2. Just like these professional football players, who earn weekly stable salary. But of course the amount of salary still cannot be compared.

So Orange got 3rd place in the tournament, what about the winners?

Alliance from Sweden won the tournament, with 1.4 million USD. NaVi, a Ukranian based team, won 600,000 USD. 

The prize pool of The International 3.

How can a normal person earn nearly 300,000 USD, like those Alliance guys do? Even working for 5 years also damn hard to earn so much of money. But they have done it.

The Alliance not only lifted the Aegis, they also won 1.4 million USD.

This is an interview with mother of Dendi from team Navi, the first runner up from the tournament. Like normal parents, she did not agree with his video games. But what happened? Dendi has one first place, and 2 first runner up from this The International series, and a lot more prizes from other tournaments.

E-Sports is growing, and I really think E-Sports can grow to the size of football today.

That is my timetable for my clinical rotation, and finally I have finished everything except the last department, OBSGIN, or in full obstetric and gynecology. This means that I am supposed to be able to do everything a doctor can do besides those obsgyn related stuff. But, really? I doubt myself.

Life as a doctor who is not a doctor yet is actually quite good. I dont really have to be responsible on anything that happen, for example a patient has any complication, the real doctor will be the one responsible to handle that. Unless, I am so stupid to take a knife and stab the patient, then I am responsible for that. 

Jiwa, mata, bedah, THT (EnT), IKM (public health), anak, forensik, anestesiologi, interna, saraf, kulit. Often people ask, which one do I prefer to specialise in. And to most of the people, either layman or those who still not yet go through bedah, especially boys, would say "bedah is interesting". Maybe, but not for me. Although some of the operations are really interesting, I feel it is only interesting to watch how the operations go. This is only my opinion though, because I dont really like to cut living human flesh or burn it.

Some departments have interesting knowledge, but crazy scary life. Some have nice relax life, but confusing knowledge behind it. Worst stuff is, crazy scary life with confusing crazy knowledge. For example, forensic is actually damn interesting, learning how a person die and so on. But in reality, when the corpse comes at midnight with the letter from police, I have to go and touch and cut and examine the dead body, sometimes with maggots crawling all over the body, with the crazy smell. Dermatology (skin) has simple relax life, but it is so damn confusing, that one disease can be given different diagnosis by different specialists. And then there is internal medicine, where your life is not easy and the knowledge is like damn a lot.

There are a few interesting cases I have during this more than one year time. And from these I learned that medicine is actually more than just medicine, it is medicine as the base, plus social, economy, logical thinking, and a lot more. But of course, interesting in medicine most likely will end up a sad ending.

its so damn fast n its already june. i have finished 75% of my clinical rotation.

worst of all things is i have not been writing for a damn long time. really long. life has been quite occupied with a lot of things. so im thinking of writing something.

2013 after 2012

i dont know when is the last time i came here. finally today i suddenly remember here and come back.

hello blog, now its 2013 already.

2012 was a life-changing year. not because of 21 december, but due to the amount of big things that happened, that made me who i am today. i admit i am still one lazy bastard, who dont like to study, but at least after 8 months of clinical rotations, lots of different patients, different types of people, different doctors, nurses, residents, and other koas have taught me alot of things, that made me the way i am now.

facing the real patients, handling life and death first hand, but still a lazy me.

this is the only big thing happened in 2012 to my life as a medical student. oh, maybe one more, i have graduated the degree of bachelor of medicine. after 3 n half years of i dont know what i have done, finally i put on the pentagon, n switched the tail to the other side. although the university anthem is not nice at all, but i had tears for no reason.

as for my personal life... a lot of things have taken place. this is why i think 2012 is a big year. life was hard. emotionally. but i still have to face patients who were sufferring, so what i did, i wore mask just to cover my face.

during my rotation in paediatrics department, which i witnessed the highest amount of death among all up until now, i learnt one thing from a resident.
"Children of other people, I have to spend so much time to take care of, until I have no time for my own baby, until she cannot even recognise me."
thats doctors life i guess. a doctor spend time for others family members, until no time for his.

there were a lot more for my personal life, i dont think i should write all here. there were bad things, balanced up with good ones. or i should say, overpowered by the good things.

on 21 december 2012, i was watching the hobbit. fortunately, that wasnt the end of the world, and good things shall continue.

here comes 2013, a great year which i will finish my studies, continue saving lives, and make love no war.

在面子书上看老朋友毕业、做工，我想，我在这里还在做什么？毕业，继续做学生，在医院做还不是医生的医生。看朋友拥有假期，能够出国，我想，我什么时候有假期？当所有人都在庆祝他们的节日的时候，我还必须去医院，照顾生病的人。

选择这一条路，放弃自己的生活。吃，没有定时。可以在吃了这一餐后，下一餐是二十四个小时之后。睡，没有定时。可以一整天没有睡觉的时间，站在开刀的病人旁都能开始睡着。病，不能痊愈。即使是伤风，十天了还不能好，还一天一天恶化。

以前喜欢做的事情，现在依然喜欢，却因为没有时间而渐渐地忘了自己曾经喜欢做这些事情。每一天醒来就得想，这一天又会在哪里做错，被骂。然后要怎样才能找出时间休息。学着厚着脸皮，即使不懂都要在病人面前信心十足地解释，让他们有安全感，拖延时间直到真正懂的人来解释。

我曾经以自己的华语为荣，如今却可以一星期七天没有说华语。写，更不用说了。

中秋节

都差点忘了织梦巷的存在了，都因为这些日子都忙于织梦吧。

刚刚又结束了耳、鼻、喉，加上之前的精神、眼睛和外科，我已经完成四个部门了。

前几个月的日子有点糟，仿佛在这之前从来都没有如此狼狈过。远在海外，家里却发生了一连串的事情。我的精神也很压力，却不能够做什么。隔岸观火？有一点那种感觉。但是却是充满无助的观火，而不是不管我事地观火。

总算过去了。但是，失去的也已经是永远失去了。

我的外公，我竟然无法送他最后一程。

今天中秋节。

祝大家中秋节快乐。

3rd station: Surgery

today im going to go for my third station of my clinical rotation. n it is the department that is most anticipated by laymen - surgery.

i went back to malaysia for one week and just reached jogja yesterday. managed to be the first passenger of the flight to take taxi hahaha. n reach home very early.

in this department, i will spend 11 weeks here, n try my best to learn n see a lot of things. n pass in time. but seriously i dont know what i can do in this department, except some minor surgeries n skin suturing. what else? i cant perform appendicitis etc. n i have 11 weeks here. maybe some nice emergency cases waiting for me? i shall just follow the flow n enjoy it. watching live show in operation theatre etc.