织梦巷

2012-02-06T09:26:00.002+08:00

again, i have been lazy for a long time. about more than half a month since the last post.
actually not to say lazy, but i have been busy with my exam, graduating paper, and osce preparation. although with some time spent for relaxation. and due to lack of idea of what to write also. so... the result, no post.

i set my facebook account so that only me can post on my own wall, so... yeah, no one could post birthday wish on my wall yesterday. some still wished me though, through facebook messages or sms or face to face. my gratitude from the deepest part of my heart, but you cannot feel it. so... just pretend you feel it.
finally got to celebrate my birthday on my birthday with my friends. and got some awesome presents, as usual.
my birthday was accompanied by a sad thing, which was... completing the discussion and conclusion of my graduating paper. it took me quite some time to finally learn a little bit on how to analyze the thing, due to some changes that made my thesis had to changed almost totally. and then spent quite some time again to type things out. hopefully now it is acceptable by the doctors. damned.

there are a few more important tests ahead which only allow success. but, you know, success is not meant for everyone. one has to work hard and be lucky to achieve that. so, i can only say, hopefully. hopefully everything goes smoothly as what i want.

2012-01-18T12:07:00.002+08:00

now is the end of theory years. a lot of things to be done.
but of course, if you know how to spend time, you will have time.

i should start studying, but still not in the mood of doing this.
chinese new year is coming soon. another year without ang pao. sigh!

i said, if we know the result, the process is not important anymore.
the ultimate ending for each of us, is death.
but the result of what we are doing at this moment, dont know.
this is why we are working hard in the process.
and if we know? then, really, the process is not important.

i always have a lot in my mind. but very little in action and speech.
and i feel... no need to have someone who really know what is in my mind.
the most important thing is, we can go along well.
just like, we dont need to know how deep is the ocean, we just need to know we must sail safely on the sea.

recently i beat a game, in a few days. yeah!
"what to do when i felt lonely... that was the only thing you couldnt teach me. but we need to figure out the answer for ourselves..."
this sentence brought chills when i saw it, in that game.

and the most important thing, ever, is...
im still here!

finally it's 2012

2012-01-01T02:33:00.003+08:00

Although it is the start of a whole new year, everyday still consists of 24 hours which part of them I spend sleeping and the rest either working or chilling. Frankly, everything just stays the same. Same lifestyle, same habits, same pattern.

2011 is a great year, a year that really had me changed a lot. I turned 21, and got myself into a lot of things. I think for at least 2 years from now, 2011 would still be the most interesting year in my life. Some life-changing events occurred along the way, till the end of the year where things settled down slowly, not in the way that I like.

As what people say, happy or not it will still be another day. So why keep yourself in a not-so-happy state? But sometimes, we care, and this is the reason that makes us difficult to be happy.

Although it ended not in the favor of me, I still hope 2012 would be as great as 2011, if not greater. And soon I will face real patients, and failing does not mean failing in exam and retake afterwards anymore. Failure can lead to ... disabilities and deaths in worst scenarios. But I already forget most of the things I have learned all these while, so god bless those patients.

There are a lot of events in 2011 that fulfill the criteria to be theme for stories. Slowly, or soon, I will write them out as novel. And then, the cycle begins again...

20、30、40

2011-12-13T21:19:00.002+08:00

我有20岁的岁数。
我有30岁的面孔。
我有40岁的身体。

今年刚满21岁的我，从几年前开始就一直被同学认为是老几辈的人，而今年更是大大地受到健康方面的挫折。

20岁，是不是所谓的“青春”？
可是我已经忘了什么是享受，如何去享受……
已经好久了，考试后都没有考试后应该有的快乐，应该有的松懈。
完全没有！
只有莫名的空洞，仿佛生活又缺了什么。
考试过了差不多一个星期，自己也没有做什么。
也不知道自己能做什么。

也许该把目光放在远处，但不需要太远。
只要认清目标，勇敢向目标走去，相信就会有成就。
我们常看，年轻人也能成功。
主要的不是有老爸支持，主要的不是有太好的运气，主要的是有目标。
没有目标，有老爸在背后挺住，有天下最好的运气，也是不能成功的。
这是我暂时想到的哲理。

所以，目光不需要太远。五年，也足够让我开始有成就了。只要我现在就认清目标。

20岁的人，可以有着30岁人的目标，甚至可以有40岁人的成就。
只要……肯！

2011-12-06T08:33:00.002+08:00

明天考试了，谢天谢地，只剩下几小时就可以对4.2说拜拜了。

4.2是读关于health system的，读一大堆和医科没有关系的东西。所以只能说，这个block完全是像晚上十二点突然没有电，在没有月光、手电筒和蜡烛的情况下，摸黑到处乱走这样。突然被老鼠绊倒也不知道头不知道尾。

所以，只要考试还没过，就总觉得不读书会对不起父母。可是读书时又不知道自己在读什么。就好像，你车祸不能走路了，叫身边的一个小孩子送你去医院这样。而且，他没有外来的支援。

纳闷……

昨天发生了一件事，害我只能选择相信，人终究不能永远逃避。再怎么逃避，它还是会来，然后只好面对。

虽然，逃避也是一种面对。

2011-12-01T01:54:00.002+08:00

相信Karma吗？

Karma，简单来说就是善有善报，恶有恶报。但前提是，这个“善”并不是你为了得到善报而去做的“善”，是出自内心最深处最纯真的“善”。

我今天，指的是还没过午夜的今天，十一月三十号，为了帮朋友一个简单的忙，竟然无意间，为自己解决了多月来无法解决的问题。这个问题就是寻找一个不起眼的小东西。

如果我不帮他，我永远都找不到它。

想不到Karma也可以来得这么快的。

小说

2011-11-29T14:22:00.002+08:00

有关心YS Novels的人应该都知道我有在努力着。努力写小说着。

就如往常一样。写小说需要的不只是兴趣，还要更多的外来的支持，还有内心的坚持。单纯靠兴趣来完成小说，对我来说很难。因为我并不是一个全职小说家，有更正经的事情做。小说，可有可无。所以，要有外来的支持，来让我拥有“不要辜负别人”的心态，还有自己内心的坚持，才能花这么长的时间，在多个月内偷偷抽空来写小说。

其实我还不想对外界透露任何东西。因为到现在刚写了5000-6000字而已。根本就只是开端。

这一篇小说，我并没有想要它为我赚大钱，或是靠它成名。我的希望，是可以写得比《我的高中生活》更好。这一次，我不会去印给别人了，只印给自己就好。做世界上唯一一本。除非，真的有出版社要出版，那么就会有很多很多本。

可惜，日子会越来越忙。也不知道什么时候才能写好。

希望一切顺利，让我能够安心写好它。

2011-11-29T00:51:00.002+08:00

生活，最终的目的是快乐。一个人工作、赚钱、劳苦，为的还不是日后的清闲和快乐？

要快乐，对我来说，首先要问心无愧。也许不是每个人都是这样的。有一部分的人啊，总是要折磨别人或自己才能得到快乐。这样，都不是问心无愧了啊。

所以，我要对得起自己，对得起别人。这是第一步。

当我所做的事情，只有自己认为是对的，别人都不同意，我在心里还是会有愧疚。原本觉得对的，也会开始怀疑自己的想法，开始觉得自己是不是错了。

世界上，不是每个人都有相同的看法。总有一些人有不同的意见。大多数时候我们不能够做到让所有人都快乐的事情。比如说，做一个决定，要让所有人都快乐都满足，这是很难的。

十一月二十八号，我为了自己在四个月前做的一个决定，要了我的组员的看法。我的组员那么多人，看法都是：我没有错。

既然我没有错，虽然还是有一个人坚持地认为我做的不对，那么我也可以问心无愧了。

真的就能心平气和地说自己问心无愧？

星空

2011-11-27T23:05:00.002+08:00

26和27日，是我们第二次的Buddhist Camp。第一次是在两个星期前，12和13日。

一群人，终须一个人来带领。第一次，也不知道是怎样搞的，我就间接地变成领导。第二次，我故意逃避责任。

我们是去Wonosari的一间庙过一夜的，叫作retreat喔。第一次，由于full time在庙听讲念经等，回家的时候屁股真是痛到不能顶。而且由于蚊子干扰我的耳朵，被迫卧睡，胸部也很痛。

这第二次呢，我们首先去一间佛教大学。去到那里也是坐在椅子上，而且路途上就花了整整五六个小时。所以，剩下来坐在地上的时间不多，所以这一次屁股没有这样痛。

昨夜抬头，看见了山上没有城市灯光污染的夜空。星星放肆地闪烁。可惜，没有人陪我看这一片星空。

今天离开前，和和尚道谢和道别。和尚说有空再来。老实说，我蛮怀念的，在山庙闷闷的日子，被可恶的蚊子吵到不能睡的晚上，还有并不怎么好吃的早饭和午饭。庙里的厕所还不太差，所以日子过得还好，只是并没有尝试大便过，幸好每一次都只是过一夜，所以还可以忍。

回到了我的生活，回到了我的房间，回到了我的椅子上，面对着电脑……

虽然，以为能够寻找的inner peace始终还是找不到，但是我知道自己在慢慢地向前走，而不是停在原地。虽然，暂时还不知道自己会走到哪里，但是我知道靠自己的心来领路，一定不会后悔。

要脱离苦海，就要学会放手。这是佛说的。

刚刚看完《星空》回来，里边谢欣美说：“在放手前，想要抓多紧，就抓多紧。”

那么对我来说，要选择什么决定？

在未来的日子里，我相信我会拥有足够的智慧，来给这个问题一个答案。

2011-11-26T01:04:00.002+08:00

生活没有让我开心的理由……

最后一次真正感受到开心的感觉，是在九月中旬。后来的一切，并没有任何事情能够让我开心。

信心也在忧郁中消失了。做什么事都缺乏自信。因为总觉得做什么都是错的。

要怎样才能解脱？

人道，解铃终须系铃人。可叹系铃人已远去……

两个星期前，去佛教的两天一夜住庙营，回来后只是更加的累更加感到压力。再七小时又要去多一次，这一次会有怎样的结果？

很可笑的，一向理智的我已经失去理性。一向冰块脸的我竟然会被别人问为什么我看起来很悲伤。我已经到了垂死的脆弱，连最后一层外壳都没有了。一切外来的攻击，直入心肠。

我已经有Bipolar的病征，但暂时还很轻微很轻微。只怕如果还没有解决的方法，真的会变成真的Bipolar。

但是生活中，值得开心的事情迟迟不来。

当雨终于停了，满地的烂泥妨碍我出门。要等到什么时候，才能重新见到阳光？

2011-11-22T16:40:00.002+08:00

有钱真好……

我的生活越来越奢侈。花钱真是一种享受。没钱花却真的很难受。所以我立志，要有足够的钱来花，不需要做首富，只要我想花钱的时候能够花，之后又不会后悔，就好了。

吃滝川（Takigawa），喝星吧克（Starbucks）……是很享受，同时还能给我的钱包减肥，一举两得。

说真的，我开始怀疑自己有心理病，花钱竟然能够得到快感。当然，不是随便乱花，而是买真的有用的东西。是因为我想要满足自己的占有欲？还是纯粹喜欢花钱？

听了多位医生说，外科医生（Surgeon）在这里的月薪是在一百千美金以上。这个数额很夸张。可是，我大概是不会去读外科的。除了没有兴趣，主要是因为责任太重，我担当不起。可是这笔钱……让我流口水。而我心目中的精神病医生或者死人医生竟然都是赚最少钱的。

算了啦，如果是我的，终究将会是我的。

The Rose

2011-11-16T22:22:00.002+08:00

Suddenly, I am addicted to this song:

The Rose

Some say love, It is a river,
That drowns the tender reed,
Some say love, It is a razor,
That leaves your soul to bleed,
Some say love, It is a hunger,
An endless aching need,
I say love, It is a flower,
And you it's only seed.

It's the heart, Afraid of breaking,
That never, Learns to dance,
It's the dream, Afraid of waking,
That never, Takes the chance,
It's the one, Who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul, Afraid of dying,
That never, Learns to live.

When the night, Has been too lonely,
And the road, Has been too long,
And you think, That love is only,
For the lucky, And the strong,
Just remember, In the winter,
Far beneath, The bitter snow,
Lies a seed, That with the sun's love,
In the spring, Becomes the rose.

2011-11-13T22:07:00.003+08:00

适当的坚持叫坚持

过多的坚持叫执著

超级多的坚持叫固执

步步惊心

2011-10-29T23:17:00.003+08:00

在我入院前……其实是在考试前，我追完了《步步惊心》。它是一部小说拍成电视剧的，据那些有读过小说又有看戏又有留言的人，他们说这部戏保留了很多小说里的对白，所以是很难得的。

看这部戏最令我跌眼镜的是……郑嘉颖。他的演技竟然突然好了很多。以前他只不过是花瓶，这部戏里他演得真是很够味道。温柔的时候真是温柔到毛都站起来，赌懒的时候又看得出赌懒，到最后只有苦笑过活的时候也真的能感觉到那种苦。

这部戏里，讲述一个现代的女子穿越时空去到了清朝。然后和很多阿哥纠缠在一起。

四阿哥内敛。

八阿哥温润。

十阿哥直率。

十三阿哥是个兄弟。

十四阿哥情义。

而女主角若羲，只能说太现实了。

是很不错的戏啦，可惜是中国戏，很少会有人来看。

2011-10-27T19:20:00.002+08:00

生病了几天，出院后惊现，自己瘦了很多！

入院前，还穿得刚刚好的裤，出来后竟然松了至少一寸。

今天去量体重，剩下七十七公斤。减肥减得很夸张。两个月内又减了七公斤。

再这样下去，我又没有裤子穿了喽。

再次住院 x_x

2011-10-25T22:21:00.002+08:00

考试是在18号那天早上10点。

早在星期四晚上，我就开始发烧，就以为是很普通的细菌感染。就一直坚持，对自己说要坚持，直到考完试再去看医生。

考试后处理一些事情，然后打算回家先睡觉。却觉得还是先去看医生吧。所以才去看医生。

也看不出什么。

那一天是星期二，晚上我有了最惨痛的生病历史。最恐怖的生活历史，是失去记忆。接下来，便是这一晚所发生的事。害我睡不着。

隔天星期三，先处理好一些事情，然后就去学校做一些血的检查。然后就越来越不对劲。朋友叫我去医院，我才去。

这一住，就住了五晚。

要说严重吗，可以说是接近很严重的程度，却也可以说是没有什么大碍。怎么说呢……就，我是有机会死掉的。我是医学系的学生，我自己知道自己的病。所以，是真的，我是有机会死掉的。如果这段时间，我进入休克状态，我就必死无疑。可是我的血压没有降，反而微升，所以我就知道我不会进入休克，就不会中septic shock。不然，septic shock是100%死的情况。我当然也害怕，所以时不时都会自己测验自己的指甲。从来都不曾接近到休克。所以没问题，我知道自己不会有事情。

直到昨天早上，体温没有这样高了，我才可以出院。

出院了，又开始想念那台TV，那架冷气……还有一天洗四次的房间……不像我的房间，战后还没有时间收拾又进医院，到现在还是血流成河的惨样。因为刚康复嘛，有些高难度动作还做不到。还有一天五餐，不用费脑力想现在要吃什么……虽然不是很有胃口，一直在浪费食物。真的超想念吹着冷气躺着看戏的时光……

钱不够用

2011-10-12T14:53:00.002+08:00

今天又去银行提款，才发现，一个星期内我花了五百千。

五百千！

我也不知道这笔钱花在什么地方。我吃也普通，也没有出去玩，什么都没有做，就这样五百千不见了。

自从假期回来后，钱花得很快。也没有太多的额外开销，却偏偏一直回到银行提款。

这是一个很不好的情景。再这样下去，真的会钱不够用。

看着钱包一天比一天瘦，我的心好痛。却不知道该怎么做，才能让它保持着我喜欢的身材。

两年

2011-10-09T21:34:00.003+08:00

我对自己说：

两年！

两年，对我来说，不只是两个三百六十五天。是决定我日后的生活的一段重要的时期。我的未来，全靠这两年自己的造化。想要什么，也只有在这两年内，弄清楚，努力，争取，之后维持，才会有所谓的我想要的未来的生活。

两年，不算太长的时间，却有太多的事情要办。有些时候，要走一步算一步。有些时候，要未雨绸缪。有些时候，要当机立断。有些时候，则是要细心策划。因为，两年的时间有限。走错了，我将会失去很多。两年的时间，根本不容我有错误的时间。

要精心计划，却不可以花太多时间计划，否则过了吉时就没有用。要精心计划，但事情与计划有所不同时要有应对的方法，不可以傻傻地接受错误。要精心计划，以便两年过了，就算没有成就，也不至于后悔一世。

我自以为聪明，可是当我想到自己只有两年的时间，要完成那么多事情，而且只许胜不许败，我开始害怕。这两年内，所作的决定，影响的将不只是我一个人。这就是为什么，我不可以有错误。我虽然只是一个无名小卒，可是我知道，自己的一个决定，会有可能连累身边的多少人。

两年。只希望，这两年，会是生命里最重要的两年。

曾经拥有

2011-09-09T12:19:00.002+08:00

什么是……天长地久？
天长地久是谎言。

什么是……曾经拥有？
曾经拥有是回忆。

一个人，不需要刻意为了回忆某事而回忆。当那件事已偷偷地藏在脑里，不管到了什么时候，到了什么地方，只要脑袋一有空闲时刻，就会想起它。
也许在这个时候，这些事对我来说，是美好回忆，我认为自己将终生难忘。可是，过了多少年后，记忆却模糊了，甚至根本就记不起。那么，这些事其实只不过是路过的风景。
不需要刻意写在日志，什么时候做过什么，来提醒自己曾经拥有。因为这样的回忆，虽然天长地久，却只不过是自己骗自己。

我还年轻，还有很多年的生活要面对。
会遇见很多事情，认识不同的人。
在这个时候说永远，很幼稚。
但是这个时候，肯定的是，可以曾经拥有。

每个人都曾经拥有。

我能做的，是尽力把曾经，改写成永远。虽然这个想法很幼稚，可是这才是生命中精彩的片段。

回到印尼了

2011-09-05T18:10:00.002+08:00

今天又开始上课了。是我新学期的开始，也是我第四年的开始。
（第四年了喽，老了喽……）

今天只是上了三堂lecture再加tutorial。Lecture有两堂是overview，再加一堂introduction，所以基本上是没有什么重要的point要记得的啦。

对了，这个block是Emergency。是一部恐怖片来的。因为要懂的东西很多。而一个block的时间只有六个星期加考试。为什么要懂很多东西呢？因为心脏、肺、脑、肠（大小皆是）、手脚、眼睛……差不多所有器官都能有emergency case。而每一个器官就有很多不同的病了，每一个病又有不同的医疗方式……然后更够力的是，在emergency的时候我其实是没有时间想这么多的。而比这个更够力的，是我们根本没有时间实习。所以到时候做医生了，基本上就是在赌博。

我一定要加倍努力，不要看到太多人死在我手上……

至于今天的tutorial，竟然等了半小时才跟我讲postpone。结果就出去吃喽。回来的时候，有四个其他组的朋友因为飞机飞太慢，结果miss掉自己的课，而跑来挤我们的班。由于已经一年没有换group了，这一次在tutorial里，看着一些旧面孔和一些新面孔，而只有一个是从我上个学期来的人……有点不习惯。我觉得，更不习惯的是那些旧面孔吧。因为我变了，我本身都能感觉出来，自己变得太多了。以前的我，是在tutorial的时候睡觉的。旧面孔都认识这种我。而今天的我，却是讲很多话了，虽然很多都是废话。一个人要变，不需要很长的时间。一个人变得很快，是因为适应能力太强，还是善变、不定性？
（反正又不是变坏，我也不需要去figure out自己为什么能变得这么快……）

昨晚，也发生了一件好笑却令我惊讶的事情。一个时常拿A的朋友（时常拿A的意思是，不是A也是很靠近A的，而且还考过最高分的），打电话给我。我就以为什么事喽，跟她又从来不讲话的。原来她问我有没有去年的lecture。原来我在那种人的眼里，也是一个回书虫到未雨绸缪的人？不错嘛，短短时间内，我竟然从坐垫成了……不知道什么。

昨天回到家时，又没有水又不能上网。可谓人间地狱。现在终于恢复正常了。

昨天把房间整理整理……还有一些地方懒得整理，就先不管它们啦。

新的学期……许多人都改变了。也许我的外形没有改变，还是那块肥木头，可是……我变了。变得真的连我自己也不认识现在的自己了。就好像，灵魂用跑步前进，躯体却在漫步。

一开始就是人在改变环境，然后又自私地要求身边的人适应新环境。
不是环境在改变人，是人在改变人。
只有不段地改变，才会显出，原来拥有记事本是很重要的。

结论

2011-09-03T00:06:00.002+08:00

刚刚看了小时候的照片……哇牢也，原来我小时候眼睛是正常的。后来不知道从什么时候开始，是什么原因，左眼竟然开始有ptosis。我七岁的时候跌倒过，而且是左脸landing的，所以我刚才就和爸妈说可能是跌倒造成的。可是……我也不知道啦。我只知道，如果我的左眼没有问题，我现在还真蛮帅的，追女子也容易一点……（自爽中……）

今天三号了哦。傍晚七点半坐飞机去LCCT然后在那里过夜，然后就要回去印尼了。

这个假期……我就来给它一个结论吧。大概每一次假期都做同样的事情的，就是写结论。

好啦。觉得无聊的可以不看了。今天我并不想写什么哲理或是笑话或是诗歌。

先写刚回到马来西亚的事情。那个时候，我的屁股的伤还没有好，所以隔天就去看医生。哪里知道看那个医生（就称C医生啦）竟然需要到两百多块。是很够力的贵咯，毕竟只是开起来洗一下而已。所以之后就不去看他了，去槟城看另一个医生（就称T医生啦）。这位T医生竟然一毛钱都不收！我听到的时候，还“蛤——？？”呆在原地不动n秒。然后……就发生一些事情，我也不想写了，反正写了会赌懒的，就不需要写了。然后就先在本地的另一个医生，也就是我七岁跌倒帮我洗伤口的Q医生洗屁股。奇吧？我左脸根本看不到疤痕。那个时候真的是跌到血喷的。哪里像三年前的车祸后留下那么多疤痕吼。然后一星期后又去看T医生，又是不收钱。害到我真的很拍写咯。所以我假期的开端，是一直在养伤。就好像看《笑傲江湖》令狐冲养伤那边看起，是很无聊的喽。

对了，一回到家那一晚，我竟然……忙着做一些根本不属于我做的事情。我一回家，就忙着“改考卷”。所谓的改考卷，就是把我们认为考卷上应该改答案的问题，写出来，然后找我们的信息来源，等等……因为隔天就是要交上这个“伟大的改过的问题的答案”。做这种事情，应该是由CGPA很高很高的人来做的嘛，可是这一次不同，所以我就有参与。当然我不是一个人在做。我只是有参与。可是一大部分是我有动到的。唉，回到家还要翻书，真是的……可是也好……到最后，我的3.6拿到了不错的成绩。都是我的苦工和有帮助的朋友们的功劳。谢谢啦！

本来这个假期，我以为我要读很多书，要做好proposal，还要写小说的。可是到最后，我只读了一些些书……至少有读啦。然后proposal可以算是做好了吧？小说……写少过一千五百个字。我也不知道把时间花来做什么，总之就是做不完这些事。而且这个假期我又没有看戏，也能做不完事情。

至于《我的高中生活》，我带二十本回马来西亚，带十九本回SP，到现在还剩七本在家，可是三本是有名字了的。所以，就如我说的，还剩下四本available。没有骗人的。然后……这本书已经慢慢地在传着……我亲自送给我的华文老师，还亲眼看着她读到笑出声音。不错嘛，我写笑料还真有效。只是《那年春天初生的树》已经注定是比较正经的了，因为……想尝试一下做浪漫主义的嘛。像李白那样……然后……在这个假期也和大马华文作家协会的副会长见面吃早餐。他讲……现在的年青人还继续创作的很难得……哈哈！然后，就看看吧，能不能进入这个协会。希望是能啦。当然，我也有送苏校长我的一本书……他也有送我一本他最新的书。真是投之以天报之以地——天地之别的礼物啊。然后还有……陈老师，也就是第一位读我的书的老师，也是让我有机会和苏校长见面的老师，说期待我“大学的小说”。我……其实有在努力着。可是故事里是不是依然有真亦有假？猜吧。然后我还给自己一个很好笑的笔名咯。本来要写“李一仙”的，可是这个名字太“仙”的感觉了，所以就把“一”换成“亦”。所以以后要是有机会看到“李亦仙”这个名字，不要怀疑，我就是这个人物。

这个假期很少出去。因为朋友说朋友都在做工。再加上我的屁股有伤，蛮懒惰出门的。总共出去有少过五次吧。是很可怜一下啦，回来整整一个月，才和旧朋友见面那么少次。可是如我之前所写的……恩，明白吗？我们都成长了。就好像我看照片里两只眼睛都是很美的双眼皮的我，现在成长了，变成左眼ptosis的我……我虽然还是我，可是已经不一样了。他们也是。还不懂什么是ptosis的人，我建议你去google看一下。刚才一看到不明白的词就应该去看了嘛，google这么方便。

在这个假期，为一位朋友庆祝生日。一位长老级的老朋友。我和她说，我认识她的时间，就是我活了几年减掉三年的时间。所以至今，认识她整十八年了。每一次我开玩笑说我和她是青梅竹马，她都会叫我收回话的。可是她生日前……却发生了一些事情。

无所谓。接着我的故事吧。这个假期时不时有看外公外婆。其实每个假期都有啦。只是……就这样啦。然后我还一直被逼喝忧顿草。这草是什么？我想我们所有读医科的很应该知道一下咯，普通人也去知道一下，会比较好。

这个假期，也是我第一次出国旅行。好啦，在外国旅行是有过，比如说Jakarta，Bandung，都是在外国旅行，可是不是出国旅行，因为是从Jogjakarta去那些地方，没有出到国。去哪里旅行呢？有看我面子书的都知道吧。是去Bangkok和Pattaya。其中我蛮后悔的，是没有和阿瓜拍照喽。应该拍的，反正不贵。可惜那个时候身上没有散钱，我怕他们不会找钱，所以就不拍了。其实如果有拍的话，我是蛮拍写的咯。我跟他们比起来，我太矮了……是的，我很矮。比我矮的人在读到这里的时候，不要生气。我是说老实话。他们平均都比我高一个头或是半个头。只有一两个是我的高度的。我又说一句老实话……现在在我家里，除了妈妈，我就是最矮的了……自卑加自备啊……谁叫我中学的时候减肥……减肥到从十二岁到十六岁才长7kg，高度却长整15-20cm。所以就营养不足。不像我的弟弟这样。这个旅行是跟旅行团走的。就是那种跟着棋子走的。可是还不错一下啦。有一些东西蛮爽的。爽的是什么？就不要写了。我想说的时候自然会说。逼我也没有用的。因为我很固执的。

这个假期……这一段……是整个假期最重要的结论啦。我知道我爸爸妈妈有来这里的，所以我才要在这里写。因为这些话很难讲出口。我已经二十一岁了，已经有自己的思想。虽然我所想的不一定对，可是我所做的决定，在做决定的那一刻一定是最好的决定。（蛮废的这句话，如果那个时候那个决定不是最好的，还要做那个决定咩？）我是很固执，讲不要的就是不要。是因为我不是小孩子了。即使是小孩子的时候我也这样固执了啦。现在自己又有自己的想法了，就更够力了。我还想在这里说……我们半年见面一次，半年的时间不是很长，却已经足够使一个人改变。每一次见面，每一次都在改变。所以有些事情，有些喜好，有些习惯，已经不同了。是的，爸爸妈妈还是很坚持地要给我以前的喜好，种种的东西……可是我毕竟有所改变了。所以有时候会看到我怪怪的。这只是换过皮的我。然后有一些习惯，爸爸妈妈要我改，我知道是为我好为未来好。可是很多事情不是可以用theory来解释的。我嘛知道，早餐吃得好，午餐吃得饱，晚餐吃得少。可是真的，这个theory在我的生活不能用。早餐……去哪里吃得好？其实我一直都尽量在爸爸妈妈面前听话，我甚至敢说自己除了懒惰，就没有违抗爸爸妈妈的话了。懒惰吃，懒惰做，都是懒惰……可是我想，还是让爸爸妈妈慢慢地接受脱皮的我，比较实际……我以后的生活，不是高贵的医生，而是病人的佣人。佣人的生活是不富裕的，是三餐不定的，是做牛做马的。所以我在练着自己。为了以后不会第一个倒在病人床边。还有就是……最近成绩慢慢地比较back on track，是有原因的咯。原因是什么，也还是要等到原因肯水落石出的时候才能讲出来。因为有些东西，就好像珊瑚啦，本来就应该在海底的，不要刻意去挖它，等拿一天海枯石烂的时候，自然就会看到它。我们明知有珊瑚，也不要去尝试挖它来看。

结论的结尾，让我挤出一首诗……

伤口合不合？看不到。
吹琴会不会？不知道。
提包重不重？管不了。
明年见不见？到时说。
东西在不在？都在了。
离别近不近？几尺远。
明日的明日，万里外。
告别这假期，说拜拜。
迎接新学期，说声嗨。

最后……来一句我接下来的座右铭：

现在所拥有的成就，并不是成功，只是通往成功的开端。

恶梦

2011-09-01T23:36:00.002+08:00

恶梦的定义，就是梦见不想要发生的事情。简单的解释，就是这样子吧……

小孩子的时候，恶梦就是梦见鬼啊怪啊，然后就吓醒了哭着找爸妈……

说说最近我的恶梦吧。

不可否认，我已经不是小男孩了。脚毛都多得能够让蚊子在里面玩迷宫了。可是也不可否认，梦见鬼怪依然是我的恶梦之一。会不会害臊呢？我也不知道。我在这里只是老实地写出来。我是一个相信神亦相信鬼的人，虽然神和鬼都没有亲眼见过。而且我是很很很怕鬼的一个人。脚毛多也还是很怕鬼，虽然有听说过“一条脚毛能挡三只鬼”的说法。怕鬼也使我战战兢兢不大敢选forensic来读。可是我应该还是会体验一下forensic啦，在4.3的时候，就当作圆梦喽。

几个月前，我有一个很特别的恶梦。这一生，就只这么一次，作过这个主题的恶梦。我那晚梦到自己考试不及格。为什么这是个很特别的恶梦呢？其实在现实生活里，我也有考试不及格。做梦梦到自己考试不及格，应该也不算是恶梦。可是就是这一次，我竟然会从梦中惊醒。然后睡不着的那种。原来到这个时候，对我来说，考试不及格已经是这个等级的恶梦了。原来，随着我的成长，成绩对我来说又变成一个很重要的东西……

再来就是一个很常有的恶梦。一直都有的。只是今天早上再做同样主题的恶梦，而且竟然是一连串几次同样主题的恶梦，所以就干脆不睡了。这个很常做的梦，就是所谓的日有所思夜有所梦的梦啦。大家明白就好。因为这个主题，可以在一夜里同时是好梦又可以突然转成恶梦。而恶梦的次数，当然就比较多啦，因为人生如梦，梦如人生，而人生就是不如意事比较多嘛。今天早上就真的很特别。因为我竟然梦到梦里的主角瘦地不够营养的样子，而且是连续几次，直到赌懒了就醒来。更特别的是，我很清楚地知道，在梦里，主角穿着我和主角最后一次见面的衣服，做着我即将做的事情。很近现实，除了……主角瘦得不现实。

所以说，吃的饭多了，恶梦的定义也多了。一些奇奇怪怪的梦境，也能让我惊醒。

特别

2011-08-27T13:52:00.001+08:00

我们都是人。

是的，我相信在读我的blog的，都是人。

每一个人都是独一无二的。打从我们吸入第一口空气，世界上就没有另一个人和我们完全相同。我不否认一些人会和我们有一丝丝共同点。那是免不了的。

比如说，我懒惰。相信世界上还有很多懒惰之辈。

可是他们之中绝对没有一个人和我一模一样。从外到内，从头到脚，再多的相似处，也不会完全一样。

很多人都想做特别的人。

特别出名的人、特别聪明的人、特别有钱的人、特别无聊的人……

他们努力地把自己装得特别。从打扮到性格，都向着特别的方向走。是以，世界上出现了很多让人跌眼睛的fashion，很多啦啦仔，很多化装化到像鬼那样，头发五颜六色……

其实每一个人本来就是特别的。不需要为了特别而故意改变特别的自己。因为特别这个东西，并不是越加越特别的，有时候是负负得正的。当你有一个特别特别的东西，你再为它改装成特别，它真的成了特别特别特别的东西吗？那是画蛇添足。它都已经特别了，你再加上去，就只是多余的，会有反效果。

有人会不同意我这个说法。如果他不是画蛇添足，而是画龙点睛呢？是不是就真的变成特别特别特别了？

好像是的哦……

所以在想要改变自己，使自己更特别之前，要知道自己本身是龙是蛇，添加的又是眼睛还是蛇脚。而最好的使自己特别的方法，就是坦白真诚地做回自己。因为世界上就只有一个自己。

我曾经说过，要找一个伴侣，并不一定要有很多很多，甚至所有的所有都是两个人的共同点。因为如果真的要找一个相同兴趣、志向、眼光、性格、脾气……所有所有，以便一起生活时能够一起看喜欢的节目，听喜欢的歌，做同样的工作，想同样的意见，吃同样的食物，而且没有争吵。那么这个人需要的，不是一个伴侣，只是一面镜子。

要知道，每个人都是特别的。

你接受得了他/她特别的好，而不能接受他/她特别的不好，就算了吧。

不需要为了伴侣，或是要求伴侣刻意改变，以使伴侣成为一个特别的人。他/她本身已经特别。如果你还看不到，或是接受不到，就真的是，算了吧。

如果在一起了，慢慢地各自为对方画上眼睛，那是好事。反之，添了蛇足，那么这两人就……好好检讨吧。

我们都特别，只是自己是当局者迷。我们都特别，只是这世界的残忍让我们不敢勇敢地看到自己的特别处。

明天·再明天

2011-08-26T01:34:00.003+08:00

很Random地，突然去挖《再说一次我爱你》来看。

“错把机会借给了明天”

这一句很有感触。

我一直认为，自己会有明天。
也一直认为，身边的人都有明天。
所以今天才会浪费时间。
因为反正还有明天啊。

可是我不是神。

谁能知道，突然间意外发生了，明天不再来？

意外，就是意想之外的事情。说不定我在打着字的时候，突然间电脑发疯走电，我就被电死了。然后有许多错让给明天的机会，就消失了。

看过一篇文章，写Steve Jobs的故事的。

写着他是如何认识他的老婆的。

他说，要做重大的决定的时候，想像一下今天是自己的最后一天了，自己会怎样作决定呢？

如果今天是我的最后一天……

我会用完我的电话钱，打电话给所有我爱的人，告诉他们我爱他们。我会去银行提款，然后不知道要给爸爸妈妈还是捐出去。

我想我要做的，只是这些吧。

对了，我还要对……对我很有影响的人，说万分谢谢，谢谢……直到那个明天。

人的一生就像一张白纸。生活里出现的人就是不同的毛笔，沾着不同的颜色，为生活添色。也许在这一秒，纸上大部分都是天空的蓝色。可能下一秒，天空添上了白色的云。在人生中的每一阶段，不同的人在心里占据着不同的地位。这一刻某某在最重要的地位，下一刻可能就被其他颜色掩盖了。最重要的是，到最后人生能从一张白纸变成一幅画。

一幅画，不可能只有单调的几个颜色。

所以，凡是曾经在我的人生留过颜色的，不管占据多少面积，不管持续多久就被掩盖，我都欠他们“谢谢”。

好了，反正我还是固执地相信，自己还有很多个明天，而我要谢谢的，要说我爱你的，要给钱的，也一样还有很多个明天，所以大家看看就好，不要以为我想自杀了，或是身边有人离去了。

Ok?

Peace... ^^v

成长

2011-08-24T16:08:00.004+08:00

时间一天一天地过，一个人就会成长吗？

成长靠的不是时间，而是一个人如何去面对他的经历。

经历，需要时间来累积。所以，过了一段时间，我们会发现某人成长了。真正的原因，是他在这段时间内，经历了一些事情。而他选择如何面对这些事情，就定下了他如何成长。

一个人遇到了问题，选择逃避，他还是不会成长。

一个人遇到了问题，勇敢面对了。他终于成长了。他再遇到同样的问题，他想都没想，就以同样的方法面对。他面对了，可是因为面对的方式，所以他这一次也并没有成长。

一个人遇到了问题，勇敢面对了。他终于成长了。他再遇到同样的问题，他努力思考，是不是还有更好的解决方法。他又成长了。

人的一生不断成长。从小，体积在成长。慢慢地，思想在成长……一直到死。

在不同的环境下，在不同的时间里，所面对的事情不同。成长的速度和方向也不同。

我自十七岁离开家乡。比起以前开始面对比较多事情。十八岁出国。至今，我离开家乡也已经五年。在这五年里，我知道自己成长了。所有人都成长了。我这一次回来，又和当年中学朋友出来。发现什么呢？

就是上一段的那句。

我不敢说，是自己比他们早离开家乡，所以成长得比较快。我只能说，我们因为成长的速度有所不同，甚至是向着不同方向成长，所以当年还可以有许多话一起说的，现在我却只能把话收起来。

就好像，把呕出的东西再吃回去那样，难受！

所以我发现，朋友，依然是朋友。只是，彼此都以不同的速度往不同的方向走了很久，要谈心已经很难。只能远远地看着朋友，笑一笑。也不知道他们看见我的笑吗。然后要谈天，也因为距离的存在，而只能听见一部分的话。

这就是成长带来的代价。

只有向着同样方向，以同样脚步一同迈进，才能互相称兄道弟。日后环境不同了，兄弟，还是兄弟吗？见面时会有那股热情，可是一开始聊天，就会发现，步伐不同了。

回到这个熟悉又陌生的城市，看着熟悉又陌生的朋友，我只能感叹……我们都成长了。我认识的，是还没有经历这五年成长的朋友。朋友认识的，也是还没有经历这五年成长的我。

就在这半年内，我感觉到自己成长了许多，真的很多。我已经不认识半年前的我。或者说……我不认识现在的我。太不同了。

导致这惊人的成长的，是……

the Purpose of Life

2011-08-23T23:58:00.001+08:00

今天呢，就真的是太寂寞了。

寂寞，是因为没有人陪，连思想都不知道去了哪儿。

整个下午不停地寻找属于我的思想。

寂寞……寂寞……

就觉得算了吧！

就让我的面子书安静下来，就直接……

不再显示给任何人看我的东西！

累

2011-08-20T23:19:00.002+08:00

很累，虽然什么都没有做……

其实，累并不是因为有太多事情做。有些事情，是越做越起劲的，不会累的。

累，是因为在错的时候做对的事情。
累，是因为在对的时候做错的事情。
累，是因为在错的时候做错的事情。

三个原因，导致一个人感觉累。

我累，因为我在错的时候做对的事情，也因为在对的时候做错的事情。

既然都回到马来西亚了，这个时候应该做的事情，我没有好好做。

所以我累。

2011-08-15T23:21:00.002+08:00

以前的我，崇拜的是做人老实，脚踏实地，相信到最后皇天不负苦心人，好人有好报。在三国里，刘备是好人，曹操是坏人。

开始懂事了的我，发现一直以来老实的我，日子并不像想像中的那么好。天真地以为，只要我对得起自己，就好。做一个好人，就好。

其实，最重要的不是过程，是结果。过程再怎么老实，怎么好，如果结果不好，也没有人会记得我的老实我的好。如果结果好，管我的过程是什么，别人会记得我的结果。

所以，我开始觉得，会耍心计换来成功的，才值得我崇拜。

崇拜归崇拜，现实归现实。

江山易改，本性难移。

我已经做了二十年的好人，要突然耍心计是很难的。虽然我在人的眼里，并不一定是好人。可是，我毕竟是我自己定义中的“好人”。我不否认世界上比我好的人有很多，也不否认自己有很多不好的地方，但是对我来说，我已经达到了自己定义中的“好人”，就好。

可是我现在已经慢慢地开始学习，学习计划，学习狡猾。学习，还没有实习。一切都只是在思想里练习，想想这样做会有什么好处，什么坏处。

就举个例子。

指鹿为马。

如果要成功的话，不一定要真的靠自己的努力。有时候，一大堆人一起努力地指鹿为马，鹿就是马了，就成功了。

当然，指鹿者一定要有自信，要能够让人相信，那是马。如果指得吞吞吐吐，人还是会怀疑的。

所以，要做一个帅哥，不一定要长得帅。最重要的是，自己告诉别人自己帅，别人又和别人说自己帅，然后其他人看自己时，即使自己不帅，他们眼里也会开始努力地寻找自己到底哪里帅了，让那么多人说自己帅，最后……自己就成了帅哥！

2011-08-14T18:11:00.002+08:00

又近天黑。

雨把街道清洗一番，我的心却有这个躯壳，淋不到雨，心上的污垢未去。

我是一个思想不能有一刻停顿的人。不管是什么时候，手上做着什么，脚下踏着什么，我的头脑都在不停地想。我发呆的时候，其实是我沉思的时候。

曾经，某人问我：

是不是又想太多了？

我回答说：

不是，只不过想着一件事情。

是的，只想着一件事情，重复不断地想，也一样能够从睡醒想到天黑。

雨后，空气潮湿，风扇吹来的风带有水气，凉凉的。

现在我又有新的事情要担心了。我担心自己接下来不够好。所以我必须更努力，我必须进步，我必须比以前更好……

人生短短几十年。

我用了二十年来认识自己。

接下来的二十年应该努力实现梦想。

再接下来的二十年应该和自己爱的人一起享受梦想的结果。

如果还有再二十年……我不知道。

现在就是要实现梦想的时候了。要实现梦想，就要创造机会，珍惜机会，把握机会。我想，这个假期我会有机会。所以我必须在假期结束前的很多天，就能够进步到比以前更好。不要错失机会。

假期结束后，倒有另一些机会到来。我错过的已经很多，为了不要有遗憾，就算失败我也不可以再放弃机会。

2011-08-12T08:31:00.000+08:00

雨来雷响
搅扰梦乡
夜已深无人伴
只好奢望远方
六小时时差
遥远的天堂

把梦寄托织梦巷
独自吞咽惆怅
没人与我分担
听者就是四面墙
它们不会背叛
静静由我释放

偌大的床
只躺半张
呆看着天花板
心里突然变暗
等着某地方
某人来点亮

云

2011-08-09T22:03:00.003+08:00

云，给我的感觉，是……

白。

高。

轻。

善变。

云，当我听到这个字的时候，脑海里出现的，是白色漂浮的云朵。

云，它仿佛带有帅气。看《三国》里其中一角——赵云。看他名字就觉得帅，因为他单名云。看《水浒》里其中一角——入云龙。看着称号就觉得是个高人。

云，就是那么的高高在上……

纯白色的云，挂在青天，轻轻漂浮，形状慢慢改变……这就是一个人躺下来看着天时最想看到的情景。

其实，云就像天使，在人的心里留下太好的印象了。

云，它聚集在一起，久了，就形成乌云。云，和云靠得太近时，就会产生闪电。

只是云在我心里已经是那种白色天真的云。要把云和阴天联想在一起，不是瞬间做到的。要把云和闪电联想在一起，更是难上加难。

云说：“我看清天下。”

水说：“我也想看。”

它们集体跑上天，结果太重了，又落下大地。

当一件事物，在印象中是美好的，就继续坚持这个信念，坚持相信它是美好的。

当你开始追寻它时，它会慢慢地沉重，慢慢地……

就不如当初了。

回到家的日子

2011-08-08T16:43:00.002+08:00

不知道是什么原因……反正我把账赖给太舒服的床，我回到马来西亚就是睡到很迟的。放闹钟也是不能醒的。哈哈！

在印尼，有一段时间总能在闹钟响的前半小时醒，看天空慢慢地亮。

可是在马来西亚，自然醒都是十点左右的。在印尼，自然醒是七点到八点之间的。可是我怀疑这只是很正常的生理闹钟。因为在印尼傍晚六点就天黑，在马来西亚是七点半过后才天黑。也就是说，我的生理闹钟应该就跟着太阳走了，要在八点加一小时半才会自然醒。

可是就算是这样，我应该九点半就醒了啊。今天我竟然敢敢睡到十一点……

好了……

这个假期，我打算……看好了，打算，只是打算，读回所有3rd Year的东西。然后必须做的，是我的thesis，还有YMD的东西。还有就是……可能会写一些东西。是比赛，是兴趣，还是要喂饱支持我的朋友、家人、老师眼睛都无所谓，总之就是会写一些东西。

什么是YMD？
点这里看
YMD是配合联合国（不知道是不是叫联合国，英文叫United Nations就对了）的Youth Day来做的一个event啦。我是其中一个负责prize and souvenir的喽。你们谁人有兴趣的可以去看一下，然后有能力的话就来一下咯。这个event的衣服啊，还有一些小小的东西啊，还有奖杯啊，我是有份做的（虽然分量很少……）。

写东西……这个对我来说不难。难的是，要写出有料的东西，要有人看，有人观赏，有人赞赏的，很难。在我回来马来西亚前一些日子，看完了《宫锁心玉》，里面认识了一个……可以算是中国Valentine的人物，就是之前有写到的那个仓什么的。一个和尚爱上一个人然后写很多情诗。我也希望自己能够……变成马来西亚的Valentine咯，可惜我不是和尚，所以就不能做Valentine啦，做情圣就能啦哈哈哈哈！

好啦，等一下有灵感了再献上一些作品。

你要我做什么？

2011-08-04T17:01:00.002+08:00

还有一个月就回去印尼了……
是不是很快呢？

还有好一些事情要做。
却不知道怎样走第一步。
我看到的只是我要到达的地方，却看不到通往的路径。
想定一个目的地是容易的，寻找去路才是难的。

算时间，要算还剩余的时间，还是已经过去的时间？
踏出第一步，左脚和右脚哪一边开始，会不会不同？
原来很多时候，智慧解决不了问题，就算问题很简单。
就比如，这些事情我应该从哪一件做起？
该选重要的，还是爱做的先？
还是，要做对得起你我他所有人的事情？

等着我去做的事情还等着。
时间却不等了。
我却还不知道，应该做什么……
回到家了竟然是什么事都还没有做。
也许是要先休息吧。

2011-07-31T12:53:00.000+08:00

你见或者不见我
我就在那里
不悲不喜

你念或者不念我
情就在那里
不来不去

你爱或者不爱我
爱就在那里
不增不减

你跟，或者不跟我
我的手就在你手里
不舍不弃

来我的怀里
或者
让我住进你的心里
默然　相爱
寂静　欢喜

仓央嘉措

这是六世达赖仓央嘉措为其爱上的一个女子写的情诗之一，他的百首情诗，均是经典。这是其中最有韵味的之一。
六世达赖仓央嘉措生于康熙二十二年(1683年)，十四岁时剃度入布达拉宫为黄教领袖，后被西藏政教斗争殃及，遭清廷废黜，解送北上，途经青海今纳木措湖时于夜色中遁去，不知所终，时年24岁。仓央嘉措在历史的天空如惊鸿一瞥，但他用生命写下的传奇和诗歌却在世代流传。

原来康熙时候的话语已经这样白话了。
想想……自己能不能像仓央嘉措呢？

2011-07-26T14:05:00.002+08:00

So, next Wednesday I'm going back home...

These few days I have been a regular visitor of Jogja International Hospital, thanks to my ass. And maybe, my ass will be permanently lacking one piece of meat.

I still have a little bit more things to be done before I can go back. So hopefully I can settle them nicely.

Now I'm thinking where should I go for this year's Christmas? I don't want to waste my ERP, but at the same time I have no money to go overseas. I thought I can finally go to Australia or Singapore but... no money.

And... I am a small member of YMD committee. What is YMD? Well, click here for more info.

2011-07-12T20:22:00.001+08:00

明天十点考试……

不是很紧张，只是很害怕。怕会失望，因为期望。

自从进了大学，没有一次是有信心地进入考场。这一次，倒有几分信心。所以，才会害怕。

2011-07-11T08:55:00.002+08:00

很多事情，很多时候，会因为“谁”而把气氛变得“如何”……

再美的风景，身边没有一个她，也只有沧桑。

再美味的餐，身边没有一个她，也只有无味。

再长的夜，有她陪伴，黎明也很快降临。

再苦的劳，有她陪伴，苦中也有一丝甜。

关键在于这个“她”，就看生活中有没有这样一个“她”，来改变生活的一切。

其实，一个人走也不一定孤单，只要能够有这样一个“她”陪伴。

一个人走，“她”又如何能够陪伴？

靠电话吧。

昨天突然听回一首歌……

从没说过爱着谁
为谁而憔悴
从来没有想过对不对
我的眼中装满疲惫
面对自己总觉得好累

我也需要人来陪
不让我心碎
让我爱到深处不后悔
其实我并不像他们说的
那样多刺难以安慰

爱人的心应该没有罪
为何在夜里却一再流泪
每天抱着寂寞入睡
生活过得没有滋味

别问我是谁
请与我相恋
我的真心没人能够体会
像我这样的人不多
为何还要让我难过

别问我是谁
请和我面对
看看我的眼角流下的泪
我和你并没有不同
但我的心更容易破碎

2011-07-06T15:47:00.001+08:00

I tell myself, I am going to work hard, I am going to release my potential, and I am going to reveal my power!

But to what extend I can do it?

I feel damn lazy to start...

2011-07-01T15:13:00.002+08:00

每个人一天都有二十四个小时……
就看不同的人做什么不同的事而对时间有不同的看法……

时间是公平的。
它不会自私地为一些人停下脚步，或加快脚步。
我可以等，可是时间不能等。
时间要走，你也就要走了。
岁月就这样离开了……

其实时间是可以作买卖的。
空闲的人帮忙碌的人做事情，就是在作时间的买卖。
可是，岁月还是离开了。
买不回了……

曾经有过的时光，只有在记忆中，文字中，照片中或录像中才能寻回。
寻回，却回不到。只能回味。

就因为时间不停地流逝，就因为曾经只能回味，所以能够拥有回忆，便是人类最重要的本领。

2011-06-22T23:58:00.001+08:00

其实呢，趁现在我有时间，有出入的自由，还有更重要的是，有一些花钱的本事，我不想要后悔。
所以呢，我就应该好好利用这半年的时间。不要留下遗憾。

首先要做的，其实也不是首先，是一直以来都在做的，是能帮人就帮人。

接下来，就是做自己想做的。

最后，就是留够钱回马来西亚买车买房！

再三个星期就考试了，考试前还有少少事情要处理。
希望这一次会比上一次更好……

my beliefs

2011-06-06T00:56:00.002+08:00

1 week holiday finally going to end...

im thankful for all the decisions i made, and everything that happened all these while.
i pray hard for all the decisions i made though, from daily little decisions to big shit decisions.
and i do believe, they are helping me.

and i believe that all the people have their own lives.
i have life too, and sometimes my life clashes with others'.
i am trying to minimize this, and let everyone enjoys their own life.
but then... sometimes things are just difficult to do.

time has started to go over the speed limit. i feel like time passes damn fast.
and soon, i will settle my third year.
and soon, finish the theory studies.
all these are too fast. i feel like i just start to learn something and it is going to end already.
good thing about time going too fast is...
it makes every departure not a hard one.
because we are going to meet each other soon. :D

there are a lot of things in my mind.
but there are only few people i can trust, to share what i think.
as time passes, faster and faster, my list of trusted friends is getting shorter and shorter.
even though i never really step into society, i already have this kind of feeling...
that everyone is wearing a mask.
that noone is truthful enough to live without hiding.
even me, i fake a lot of things. including expressions.
but without conscious, im getting less expressionless...
maybe, thanks to someone. :D

i believe that there are reasons behind everything.
im lazy, and thats good for everyone.
i think if im hardworking enough, this world will be in doom.
im too dangerous to know a lot of stuff. xD

sometimes i do things bypassing my brain.
i think i really need to be fully rational again.
so, sorry for all the people i have hurt.

and i believe one day i will succeed like nobody's business!

2011-05-25T20:09:00.002+08:00

完结了恐怖的3.5，欢迎了3.6的到来。第一个星期也已经过了三天，超过一半了。过得还蛮轻松的。我觉得我会好好地享受3.6吧。

这几天过得踏实。原来彼此坦白后，作出适当的改变是这么好的。我因此又学会了人生的一个道理。

谢谢你。

最近玩得有一点控制不住了，自己也觉得自己过分了。可是真的很难控制得住。原来我注定要懒惰的，不然的话我会很恐怖。

我想写小说。趁3.6比较有时间就做好我的研究和写好我的小说吧。暂时还不知道能够添加什么玄幻的因素在里面，也许这一篇完完全全都讲述着普通人。

原来有时候，还是听不到比较好。听不到，看不到，就不会有伤悲。就像，如果不想要哼曲子，就不要听歌呗。

2011-05-20T17:33:00.002+08:00

考试完了，却没有一丝轻松的感觉。
是因为考试前并没有紧张过，还是考完试了还没有放轻松？
考试完了，却不知道如何才是所谓的好好庆祝。
是真的不知道怎么庆祝？
还是并不想庆祝？
还是……根本就没有什么好庆祝？

我想做很多事情，可是我没有勇气做。
因为一开始了，就要负责任。
写小说嘛，就不可以写到一半就罢工。
去打机嘛，就不可以因为懒惰而连累队友。
所以到最后，什么都不用做。望着电脑发呆。最好。

想去旅行，却又懒得安排旅途。
是不是应该一个人乘摩哆乱走最好？
还是乖乖的跟着大群人走比较好？
可是我有自己想做和不想做的事情啊。
可是我又不敢做啊。

是不是应该放松一下脑袋，不要想这么多？

2011-05-16T11:21:00.002+08:00

很久没有更新了……大家还好吗？
这个星期五考试，而且是考脑啊神经啊，都是大条的东西。

最近在玩 MOLO.ME，很爽玩一下的。
可以把普普通通的照片改成很艺术感的东西。

这张是其中一张，是上过Popular的作品。
可是，不是每个人都能玩的，只有Symbian 3或60的才能玩。

希望身边的人都能快快乐乐……

2011-04-18T22:39:00.002+08:00

几年前的车祸。
我处于半昏迷状态，还暂时失去了记忆。可是我却不停地摧我的朋友打电话给我的父母，要给他们知道我还好。
到了医院，手机在朋友手上，而朋友去了警察局。我叫来护士，虽然失去了记忆却依然记得父母的电话号码，还麻烦护士打电话给父母，不要他们担心。

有很多事情，我说不出口。心里所想，和所做的不同。
可是在遇上了事情，心里所想的，就会自然地表现出来。

其实在我心中，父母是最重要的。

2011-04-09T12:25:00.002+08:00

我始终不能独自面对现实。我需要文字来帮我表达心里所想头里所思。

一个人用一小时来写，一个人用一分钟来读。

可是我还是不停地写，因为很多话我说不出口。

写，需要人读才能听到。需要明白才能了解。

说，在四周的人都听到。不须明白也能了解。

有很多事，我想告诉人，却没有胆量，便写出来。

即使会比较花时间，我也愿意。

2011-03-29T14:23:00.003+08:00

流水小鱼无几几。
青山蓝河配白云。
岸边花卉若放情。
可怜无人赏此景。
花终谢而水不止。
人终去而魂不离。

3月24日于面子书涂鸦墙上所提

情丝如雨绵绵。
我心如云沉沉。
她语如风冷冷。
缘份如雾蒙蒙。
雨下之时，她将皱眉。
雨下之时，我心如裂。
雨下之时，思念似狂。
雨下之时，于我房中。

3月25日于面子书涂鸦墙上所提

最近下雨真不少，想要出门也苦恼。
世上没有万事好，只求平安没凶兆。
路上一人在慢跑，却被车撞真不巧。
我在心底诚祈祷，希望他没事就好。
还有小孩躲猫猫，结果却被蚊子咬。
听那笑声转哭闹，打从心底偷偷笑。
天涯何处无芳草，苏轼讲的真是妙。
虽说没有万事好，就算渠里亦有草。
只要眼睛不抬高，寻草不会找不到。

3月26日于面子书涂鸦墙上所提

2011-03-25T18:41:00.002+08:00

又是读书的季节，所以又是烦闷的季节。

有时候真的很讨厌自己。并不是我不想读书，而是没有能力读书。读了一个十分钟或两个十分钟，就没有精神继续。

再逼着自己，也不能再读。

2011-03-19T11:49:00.004+08:00

不久前看完这个新版的《水浒传》。由于那个96/97版的我那个时候还小，看了也不知道发生什么事，所以我不能说那一版比较好，可是别人都讲这个2011的比较好。

不管怎样，最喜欢的角色还是天孤星花和尚鲁智深。不只是戏里的他讲话够好笑，我喜欢的还有他的人格，敢爱敢恨，不婆婆妈妈，重情义。可惜到最后还是死了。不知道为什么施耐庵不要给他继续活下去。他都去了六合寺了，就给他跟武松活到八十岁算了嘛。他最经典的就是“洒家”、“厮鸟”、“鸟厮”、“撮鸟”等词。

没办法啦，我本来就是喜欢这种直爽的人。所以对于那些伪伪装装还有扮可怜或扮可爱的人，如果我学过打架早就一拳送过去了。这也就是为什么我不喜欢大多数的书虫，因为大多数书虫们都是读书了说自己没读。哎呀，人活在这世上，不老实一点会比较开心吗？真是的。

也可惜到最后抓方腊的不是鲁智深。我不知道为什么编辑们都特别喜欢武松，要给他这个最猛的功劳。

其实我蛮佩服施耐庵的。想像一下，写一篇关于对抗政府的一帮鸟贼，还称他们为英雄，如果是当今社会的话，早就被抓去了咯。

2011-03-12T11:24:00.003+08:00

yesterday, earthquake and tsunami hit japan. and that was the biggest earthquake since a lot of years.
the tsunami was really imba that even south america countries were on alert. and from a video i watched the sea water just rammed through everything until dont know how many km inland. imagine this happen in southern sea of jawa, i might lose everything.
and what i can think of, is like the scene where sin attacked zanarkand in final fantasy 10.
i cannot do anything but hope that the damage can be as minimum as god's will. and because of this many people again started the topic of the end of the world next year.
if the world really ends next year, i will really regret.

2011-03-08T16:19:00.000+08:00

one stupid rain made my phone gone stupid.
haizzzzzzzzzz...
dont know my phone psycho problem can cure itself or not.

2011-03-05T20:50:00.002+08:00

If I am good, why should I care what people say about me?

This is one of the principles I believe.
I may not be the best, but I know I am good.
When people dislike me, this is because they are jealous.

Being good, in my opinion, does not need proof.
I may not win in the end.
People may not know I am good.
I just need myself, my family, and those who trust me.
To know that I am really good.

Agree or not, I still think this way.
If you think you are better than me, go ahead.
Dont need to prove anything.
Have fun in your lives.

And, I accept challenges by gentlemen.

2011-03-01T21:08:00.002+08:00

internet these days since i came back to jogja is a murderer.
dont know when will i be killed by this stupid service.

life is at the peak of boredom.
no words can describe this.
the shadow of boredom fills the sky.
and life has nothing interesting to the point that i have to look at the wall for more than 3 hours a day.

anyway, things really look good besides the boredom that strikes my life.

time, can you walk faster?

2011-02-22T12:32:00.001+08:00

its been damn long since the last post...
due to a lot of gaming and a lot of thinking. and also some drama.

im thinking, what should i include in the new novel...
i know im going to give more effort than the previous one and make this a real novel.
but then, what can i write for more than 40k words?

anyway, im here to announce that...
whoever that become the 2011th visitor of my novel site will get a free copy of my new novel when i finish it. with my signature. XD

2011-02-16T00:48:00.003+08:00

today my friends held a belated celebration for my birthday.
and just like the usual thing, i got a present. but without doing any tasks.
ok, ignore my mousepad. that is our schedule lol. and i have been using it for months.

2011-02-13T23:15:00.002+08:00

昨天正月初十，是我的生日。昨天也不算是白过，还真有意思的。
从SP到KL，然后再去了佛光山东禅寺。
然后马马虎虎过了一夜，就到了今天。
今天，就回到了印尼。
也不知道是什么神走过，竟然在买眼镜的时候抽到最大张的红包，总值五百千！

走了有多远
原来都在兜个圈
回到原点
发现和刚开始没差别
只是……
就如铅笔在白纸画了圈
擦了还是有痕迹去不掉
想再清清洁洁地开始过
已经不可能了

2011-02-11T21:04:00.001+08:00

终于还是要离开了……明天就会下去KL，然后后天就回去Jogja。
两个假期，就这样结束了。
然后又要迎接那种七个星期一次月经的生活……

2011-02-05T21:36:00.002+08:00

明天，大多数的人都回去了……

这个假期只有一个机会，出来和一些旧朋友见面。其实比去年好了。去年正月初一就坐在飞机上了。

今年其实也是我去印尼之后第一次在马来西亚庆祝农历新年。很变态一下咯。

今年又有拿红包了。真是……久没有拿了。看到自己突然又有这样多马币……可是却没有朋友一起出去了，有它们来也不是很有用。

昨天和朋友谈天。只恨时间不够长……可是我能做什么？我不是神。

今天，我二十一岁了。想起来，真的很老……很老……

2011-01-31T23:21:00.004+08:00

明天终于就回家了！
经历了一些小小的挫折，现在总算可以放心地躺下来睡觉。
这一次回家，大概有两个星期的假期。说短不短，却绝对不长。

假期过后，就有更多事情要做了。

再见了，第二个家！

2011-01-29T00:42:00.001+08:00

今天终于也过了。再过几天就可以回家了。
今天的考试，只能说希望成绩不会太失望。
过了这样多年，我学到的是坚强。是那种遇到失败了要坚强的坚强，而不是要坚强面对考验的坚强。

过了那么多年，依然未变的圣诞树。

2011-01-28T00:57:00.003+08:00

今晚又是一个不眠之夜……再过八个小时就是考试。考试过后又要准备另一个考试，然后就可以回家了！

野花也有美丽的一面……我却不知道自己美丽的一面在何处……

2011-01-26T17:25:00.001+08:00

不知不觉，在少过一个星期的时间，我就要回家了……
回家！
是的，回家。
可是回家之前，总是要好好折磨自己一番的。
就从今天开始吧。

2011-01-22T21:58:00.004+08:00

昨天，朋友打算要给我一个惊喜。

昨日……

可是老实说，其惊喜是我意料中的事。
但是还真的要谢谢所有付出的人。虽然是意料中的事，当我看着它发生时，还是有一些感动。
就如，当你知道自己买的号码中了头奖，拿到钱的时候还是会很感动。

谢谢大家！

朋友们对于我的想法……

而当晚还有一件另我感动的事情。
其中一位跟我买书的读者竟然记得我的生日，因为在书里我有写到我的生日。连我自己都有一点忘记了。我听到了真的有够感动的。
我答应所有支持我的人，会更努力把小说写得更好。
如果我跟着所计划的来写，接下来的作品是有可能被翻译的。只是我希望有人可以帮我翻译啦。要我一个人做到完全部东西实在很累。

誓言

2011-01-22T15:05:00.001+08:00

《誓言》by董贞

不眠的云朵
眷恋著自由的风
那深情如我
对你不变的执著

你是 我拥有最美的梦
不愿 梦醒如朝露散无踪
只要 今生能为你分担忧愁
我无怨无尤

多想在紧握住你的手
感觉你不伪装的温柔
让我化作微风 穿越了时空
拥你在我的怀中

雨融入河流
停泊后不在追求
回汤在心中
是我坚定的承诺

你是 我拥有最美的梦
不愿 梦醒如朝露散无踪
只要 今生能为你分担忧愁
我无怨无尤

多想在握紧你的手
感觉你不伪装的温柔
让我化作微风 穿越了时空
拥你在我的怀中

擦乾泪
约定守候永远
等到花开的那一天
真爱会再现

多想在握紧你的手
感觉你不伪装的温柔
让我化作微风 穿越了时空
拥你在我的怀中

接下来的作品

2011-01-21T23:29:00.002+08:00

所有20本书都已经有各自的主人了！只是有两本还没有交给主人。
至于SP的朋友们，再加两本给家人，就要等我回去以后再印了。很拍写要你们等。可是真的，我是有一些麻烦，所以才不能印好了再带回去。
到现在，我得到的评语都很不错。也不知道是不是读了的人看在我的面子上不敢讲它的缺点，还是真的我写到这样好……
可是不管怎样，谢谢你们的支持！
你们的支持，就是我的推动力！
至于接下来的作品，我暂时已经有idea了。如果传就先不写了。我想我还没有心理准备写那种风格的作品。
接下来的作品，我暂时给它取名为《记忆》。随着故事的发展可能会换成《记忆中的你》。还不确定。和《我的高中生活》一样，我不是focus在爱情上。我想写的，是关于前世今生的东西。什么时候开工呢，可能假期的时候就可以开始了。
对了，我二月一号回马来西亚，到十三号。

真正的Bahasa Malaysia

2011-01-17T17:20:00.004+08:00

是时候再发表自己的意见。

自从纳吉当上首相，我在马来西亚的时间是少过一百天。所以，我只知道有One Malaysia这个东西，也知道有Salam Satu Malaysia这个东西，也还知道有大概是Satu Bangsa, Satu Bahasa, Satu Malaysia这样的东西。

从小，我们就学Bahasa Malaysia等于Bahasa Melayu；Bahasa Melayu亦等于Bahasa Malaysia。可是，对我来说，Bahasa Malaysia其实是可以有更深的意义，更广的范围。

我想，真正的Bahasa Malaysia，应该包括了：
1. Bahasa Melayu
2. 马来西亚人华语
3. 马来西亚人英语（即Manglish）
4. 其他土著的语言
5. （我不知道这里的淡米儿文和印度的有什么差别。如果有的话，应该也加下来。）

我这样说，不是纯粹在放屁。你看，马来西亚人的语言和其他国家的语言的确不同。就先拿马来西亚人英语来说。

马：Bradder, you eat already or not?
英：Hey, have you eaten?
美：Yo! Have you eaten?

我们还有我们独特的“lah”等助词。这就是马来西亚风光。也许新加坡也有，可是还算是马来西亚独特的语言。

现在我来说关于华语吧……

马1：刺饱了（liao）没有？
马2：还没有kok。
马1：真的咩？料你刚才去mamak做somok？

这种话，听在马来西亚人耳朵里亲切、舒服。却也是马来西亚独特的风光。

其实，连Bahasa Melayu 和 Bahasa Malaysia也是有分别的。

Bahasa Melayu：Bilakah kamu balik?
Bahasa Malaysia: Bile ko balek?

我们有这样多姿多彩、Only in Malaysia的东西，为什么不要公认它们呢？搞不好我这篇blog给UNESCO看了真的承认这些东西。

Bahasa是属于所有人的。

2011-01-16T03:39:00.002+08:00

做人最重要的是什么？

不同人会有不同的答案。

我的答案，是要快乐。

什么是快乐？就是心里舒服，笑出真心。这，就是快乐。

有时候，胜利并不一定会快乐。成为最好的不一定会快乐。真正的快乐是出自心底的，不是踏在别人头顶而得来的。

所以到最后我作出这个决定。

我退出这个所谓的08第一队。我决定要自己找回快乐。

可能我不能像以前那样一直赢，可是我要快乐，输了也不用紧。

以后的日子会是怎样的，我不知道。

我现在的目标，是寻求快乐。

2011-01-13T23:51:00.002+08:00

after one week i printed my books, there are 2 more left.
actually what really makes me happy is the support given by my family and friends. giving autograph is not the happiest thing, i am happy when i see people take my books happily.
feedbacks i got are mostly positive. maybe my friends dont want to hurt me. there are also very little negative feedback. and i appreciate every comments given.
the original price for each book is 35000 rupiah. and why im not taking back 100%, its because i think i should pay at least a little bit for your support. at first i didnt want to take even 1 rupiah but then thinking that doing this may hurt, and after emo for some time, i came up to this final decision.
and to my friends in malaysia, my mother said that printing in malaysia is equally cheap, so im going to print when im back in malaysia. i know this may take some time but i hope you all can understand. bring bunch of books up to an aeroplane is quite... hard to do.
some of my friends who finished reading the novel suggested me to write another ending for... you know who. so i wrote it and posted it already.
to those who asked me to translate it, sorry i cannot do that. it is too hard for me to translate it.
to those who asked me to publish it, i think this novel cannot be published because i used malaysian mandarin plus a lot of our daily words inside which i think outsiders cannot understand and no publisher would risk their money to publish it.
and finally, thanks again to everyone who has been supporting me. and big thanks to jpa for giving me allowance.

self conflict again

2011-01-08T19:33:00.002+08:00

again, im questioning myself. am i doing the right things?
some of them are frustrated by the late arrival of our opponents today. but you know, i am really really rational. we do have our turns that we are late for something. and whenever this happens, someone else is waiting. and they may feel the same too.
so, i did not feel frust for this. the only thing i got frust today is the sudden cancel of our dota games. luckily, somehow they came in the end and we played.
first game, they only had 4 players, so one of us went to their team. i drafted the game and we won like... you know, rape. owning at early game and pushing and killing everywhere. second game, finally they were full, then i let another fellow drafted. it was a hard game but one of them disconnected so we remake halfway before the result was obvious. third game, we let another fellow drafted and... i got what i want to play lol and we won also.
so now, i have two questions.
am i right not to feel frust over their late arrival?
am i right to pass over my leadership?
i know it is better to feel nothing after they were late. just understand their situation and forgive them. thats the best. but, what do others think? and then, what do others think about me?
and i know, for heavens sake if i remain as the leader, we would be better. but then, it would go against someones will and interest. although this is also my interest, and is what i am famous for, but if i dont let go this, how will others think about it?

ok ok, i think thats enough for my self conflict again.
but i just want the world to become a better place lol.

2011-01-04T12:27:00.002+08:00

今天有一个奇景。彩虹围绕着太阳。我也不知道是哪一个吃饱太得空去看天空，发现到这个奇景。变态的。太阳也好看。
一开始，我在吃饭的时候，一个不认识的大肥驾摩托过，然后又停下来，然后指着天空，跟我讲：“看上面。”
我还以为屋顶上面有老虎……
然后也在吃饭的一个印尼人走去看，回来后讲是彩虹。我就以为那个大肥太过三八，彩虹也好指……
最后，我自己吃饱出来了。才看到……

emo...

2011-01-01T00:10:00.002+08:00

i got a sudden gush of emo... and this feeling is killing me. noone to talk to at the moment, all are busy with this countdown shit.
i think i am trying to hard... i push too hard on myself... i try to make everyone happy. but are they really happy after all what i have done? am i doing all these for nothing? i dont know. i feel helpless.
my first book is out, finally. and at some points i have conflicts. i do not want to take money because, you know, i feel guilty if people pay for it but in the end they are not satisfied with it. so i rather give it free, not even taking one cent. i am hurting myself for others' sake, but really, will they be happy?
for all these while, i have been a person like this. i sacrifice myself for others. when sharing a bed, when someone is going more than 50% of the bed, i would just keep quiet and sleep as little space i can. when others want to do something which i really like to do it, i would just let them do it and sacrifice my own happiness. when lining up to pay something or whatever, i would finish as fast as possible so that people behind me would not wait for long. when people want to borrow money, i would lend them without asking them to pay back. when i became member of a group to do an assignment, i would do anything i can to make the group happy.
but seriously, are they happy? and, am i happy?
after i got my book, yes, i am really happy. i can smile like one psycho when i look at my book. but when i think about printing it and giving it out, free, i start to have conflict. what if, people want it because it is free? after they receive it, will they even look at it once? will they not appreciate it? and afterall, this project is all by myself, with some help from others. but, still, i feel that... you know, something is not right.
i talked to my mother just now, and i didnt plan to talk about the price of the book. but i still cannot do it, and in the end i told. then, i start to feel guilty if i use money like nobody's business. even though this money is all by me and i have the rights to use them. but if i collect money, then the above thing will make me feel guilty.
i dont know. i am really emo now. and i feel helpless.
i have been trying to make people happy. but do they know that? do they even feel happy?

2010-12-31T12:24:00.004+08:00

I know a lot people have seen this, but I just cannot tahan to post this again and again.
FINALLY MY BOOK IS OUT!
And now I will need to check everything nice nice then I will print for all who want it.

31/12/2010, I hope I will never forget this day...

2010-12-29T23:18:00.004+08:00

I have done everything except... the cover and a shop to print. My first ever book is quite ready to be born. Although I cannot make it on 1.1.11, it will still be a lot of excitement when I can finally hold my own book in my hands.
I still dont know how many will I print, or if budget is too limited, should I print some (and give to only some special ones) and photocopy the others... But I am trying to print 20 copies. So whoever thinks he/she wants the book please tell me so that I can reserve one for you. I am not making money, not even taking one cent from anyone, so I hope I will not have more than one copy left with me.
Currently on the list who will get the book...
1. Me
2. My family
3-20. ____________

Who else think that he/she is not on the list and seriously want to have the book, please tell me.
And...
Thank you for your support!

2010-12-29T01:14:00.002+08:00

SPOILER...

So I am done with my first ever book to be printed. And here I am posting a picture summarizing the book.
453 pages, 155,549 words. That is the summary of my book.

我的高中生活

2010-12-28T01:00:00.000+08:00

前言
1.拜师
2.开学
3.校花
4.邻居
5.新生
6.心碎
7.秘诀
8.联盟
9.风水
10.社团
11.商议
12.新年
13.保铃
14.书店
15.爱河
16.古迹
17.探亲
18.捉贼
19.情伤
20.文学
21.佣人
22.约会
23.遇险
24.篮球
25.回忆
26.情书
27.筹备
28.晴天
29.研究
30.巫术
31.灌溉
32.嫌疑
33.冒险
34.骗子
35.惊喜
36.送花
37.日莱
38.少爷
39.偶像
40.恢复
41.生病
42.晕倒
43.中秋
44.捷径
45.决斗
46.结果
47.真相
48.完美
49.离别
50.结局

what a way to end this short holiday

2010-12-26T23:45:00.002+08:00

dramas happening around... i hate you you hate me... and the singing started again.
playing the blame games, and then starting to hate each other. thinking that it is cool to be able to blame others. i was once the blamer, but after a few episodes i have grown matured, and what is the fun of blaming? a better way is to solve or face the problems together with the team.
and then again, war between these 2 neighbours. and a really dumb stupid fucking ass who used laser during the match caused all the war to begin again. now i am hoping there is another evacuation again and i can be in malaysia during chinese new year.
why are there fools on this earth? because they are here to make people like me look clever.

2010-12-25T23:44:00.002+08:00

忘了在什么时候的假期，在马来西亚家里看过《蜗居》。
我不知道要怎样形容这部戏。可以说，闷。但是，也蛮精彩的。
不管怎么样，《蜗居》是一部真的很好的戏。我不说好看，我只说好。因为可能对一些人来说它并不好看。
《蜗居》里没有大明星。可是它很写实。所以，很多评语都是说它的好。

为什么我突然提起《蜗居》，因为我也开始教华文了。虽然我没有收钱。
也许有一天，我会变成《蜗居》里的郭海萍也说不定。
其实教华文还真不错。尤其是不需要教得太深的那种。

有一集很好笑的。
什么时候用穿，什么时候用戴？
结果，答案是什么？
穿是必备的，要穿完所有该穿的，才可以出门。
戴不是必备的，没有戴也可以出门。
所以，我们要穿衣服，穿裤子，穿鞋子……却戴手表，戴帽子，戴眼镜……
我以前也没有想过，穿和戴竟然可以这样分……

2010-12-24T05:01:00.002+08:00

I always have my own opinion about things, sometimes people cannot agree with them, and rarely people will find them stylo.

In my opinion, there are some OVERRATED and some UNDERRATED events in a year. For example, the coming Christmas is such an overrated day. It has almost become one of the must-have for teenagers, no matter who they are. The reason behind this may be the influence of Western movies, I don't know. People just cannot miss this day, cannot sit quietly at home, and (usually) must wear the Santa hat. And for some of the underrated days like parents' birthdays, people always forget them. Me as a non-Christian, have never celebrated Christmas. But there are people who will spend a lot for it. And totally forget or never really celebrate their parents' birthdays.

"Is there something bad between you and another person?" If someone asks me, the answer is yes. Who would be the person, quite a few. I may look like a carefree or not motivated or whatever you want to call me, but I do have principles. And if someone is against them, then that's it. Some of my principles are... don't cheat me, don't show off, and ... some people may find this hard to accept, but I hate nerds. Because nerds usually love to cheat people. But not all of them. So I am okay with those honest nerds. Some of my friends may know who I do not like at all. And people out there are free to hate me as well.

What do I want in my life? Actually I do not need to be damn rich, do not need to be a high-achiever, do not need to have the prettiest lady as girl friend. What I want is I want to do what I like to do, such as playing some games and writing novels. Writing novels is really fun, it is like telling your friends (or fans if I am a big novelist) stories, just like any crapping sessions you have with friends. And you definitely like to crap with friends. But writing novels are better, in a way that I control everything - the characters, the plot, the settings...

Why I am writing this post is because there are things that I want to share before the overrated day. And these are purely my opinions. I have my own principles, I want to do what I want to do, and I am lazy to compete with anyone.

2010-12-19T19:08:00.002+08:00

as always, weekend is too short. although i always do nothing, still i feel that i have not enough time to really rest. haiz, fml.

2010-12-17T21:53:00.003+08:00

its been really, really long since i need to use my brain, and start brainstorming for the fate of mine and four other people. until, few days back...
and until yesterday, i know, i can do it once again, just like how i did it back in 2008, where we surprised everyone including me myself.
it is 25% skill, 25% luck, 25% teamwork, and 25% confidence. i think all of them are important. and i realise, i have grown matured after so many years. previously i would screw my team when we had mistakes, and this will affect the 25% confidence. now, i would rather motivate them. the 25% teamwork is hard to achieve, due to lack of communication, but we will do well when we sit together and take as much as possible from that 25%. 25% luck, that is hard to predict how much you can get benefit from it. and skill...
i know, i still have the skill, to take my team to higher level of play. although team 08 has bad results recently, i do believe, we will be back as the team who beats everyone in tournament.
anyone of you can disagree with me, but i still feel like i am as good as i was during my prime time, maybe even better.

Ido's Album

2010-12-14T17:02:00.003+08:00

也许你已经在面子书上看见过以上照片。
今天上课时知道我的这个朋友出了小专辑，就第一时间找他然后买了这张CD下来。里面有六首曲子。首先当然要先恭喜他，能够实现梦想。再来就……回家听喽。

什么时候才是我出书的时候？
这个问题……不容易回答。第一，我身在印尼，要出版华文字的书，我都不知道有没有可能。第二，就算我回到马来西亚，只想出版少少的二十本，我没有本钱。至少在印尼我还有储蓄，在马来西亚我根本就是完全靠父母的。可是我不想连累他们。第三，我不可能出版没有封面的书。封面由谁来设计？虽然我学过画画，可是……我怕画得不美。

有谁要订购这张CD吗？通过我订购还可以得到琴手的亲手签名哦！

2010-12-12T22:05:00.002+08:00

《如果传》筹备得还不错，再计划两个星期（也就是写完《我的高中生活》的时间），就应该是完全计划好了。暂时呢我只能说，不要期望太多，因为我不是写爱情故事的专家。我只是随心所欲写作。现在的人真的以为爱情很重要，甚至可以为爱情去自杀而出名。连站在十字路口顾马路的警察都更有资格出名啦！所以，我说过《我的高中生活》不是爱情小说，所以结局是怎样的，你们不要期望太高……哈哈！

不知名的白花……

如果传

2010-12-11T22:06:00.002+08:00

《我的高中生活》已近尾声，可是因为种种无奈，现在我才可以继续写作。

至于《如果传》，它是我第一部有计划的小说。现在已经开始计划的工作。

taken from 5th floor of lecture hall

2010-12-05T11:53:00.005+08:00

its been fucking busy recently and if i were to do everything accordingly, actually i dont have time to even sleep. but as usual, i am too lazy to do things like others do, so i still have time to relax.
completing chest complaints within 3 weeks is like fucking retarded thing to do. and to prepare for its block exam in 4 days is much more fucking retarded. imagine about 40 lectures to be remembered in 4 days... with an average of 50 slides per lecture.
enough of these...

actually i always want to write this. big thanks for everyone who did their job for our evacuation. the embassy, the high education ministry, tudm, our university, seniors, juniors, ourselves, media, and most importantly my family who came all the way from sp to subang and then back to sp again.
during my stay in malaysia, i didnt hang out with any friends, because either they didnt know i was there, or i didnt know they were there. so most of the time spent was with family or in my room playing some games. some people asked me why i didnt complete my novel then? simply because it is hard to write novel at home. it is easier to write it in indonesia because i have nothing else to do.

nice sky at home...

beautiful flower at home...

cute little thing at home...

Full Episode of My Life with Merapi

2010-11-08T16:23:00.006+08:00

Since I never keep a diary, I do not know exactly the date of what incident happen on which date. But what I'm going to write here is all my experience from the briefing about evacuation and safety precaution until yesterday.

Change of Status

Since Merapi changed status from siaga to awas, everyone was like "OMG we are going to die!!!" ... Ok, maybe not everyone, but among us there were people like this. Me? I witnessed the change of status to waspada since 1 or 2 months ago, so when we were told it was AWAS... Wow, Merapi made some progress. During the briefing at night on 5th floor of lecture hall, which was given by Dr Junaidi and Mr Ludinata, both from Malaysia Embassy in crisis or keamanan department I'm not sure, we were taught what to do IF this and that happened. And also we were told to prepare a bag, with passport, IC, money and all the important stuffs, and torch light, towel, food, water and so on.

And from that night onwards, I have decided to jaga malam. Yes, ME, not US. Why? Maybe I'm kiasi. But WHY I DO THIS DECISION ALONE is because there are not much people I can put my trust on them when it comes to jaga malam. So, almost everyday I jaga until 3am, then only I sleep. Where did I sleep? In my room. So in the end, I am not that kiasi also, I still slept in my room which is located damn far behind at the house.

DESTRUCTION

So, for us who stay 25km away from Merapi, what we could feel from the eruption was... basically nothing. Sometimes we could feel some minor earthquakes. We usually got all the worries from watching news, or listening to rumours. During the first few days, areas around the mountain slope has turned white, covered by ash. The death toll started from 7 or 8 people, including reporters. And then one Mbah Maridjan, which is like the guardian of Merapi, died. And since then only the local people felt the terror. Evacuation had begun but some of the villagers did not run away, because they worried about their farms and cows.

Number of casualty increased until around 30, and then Merapi had a short rest. Everything turned peaceful quite a bit, and I also started sleeping at 2am. But from the news from TV, we still could see evacuation work was going on.

The evacuation radius kept increaing, from around the slope, to 3km, to 5km, to 10km. Then...

The Sky Rained Ash

On Friday night 29 October, when everyone was enjoying Friday Night, some people started posting on Facebook "Jogja has snow" etc. And when I went out of my room, the surroundings were already covered by ash. This is the first time I wore mask, although we were told to do so earlier. Saturday, they were having a bazaar and we Malaysian had a booth too, selling some Malsysian food. I didn't go, so I didn't clean my bike. The next day, my bike's rear brake pedal and gear pedal already had rust. I never imagine this ash from volcano is so damn powerful. Imagine this thing drop on our skin. And THIS is what we, who stayed in Jogja, were going to experience until we were evacuated...

Since the first ash rain, Jogja was all grey. The tar roads were white, and as days passed, vehicles helped clearing the ash, so the tar road became damn funny, with some dividers in the middle (because no car walk there) and at the pulau jalan, there is pantai jalan also surrounding the pulau. When I rode motor, and any stupid car or motor pass by with quite some speed, the ash flew and entered my eyes. It was so damn shitty. And people there kept splashing water on the road, to prevent ash from flying everywhere. When it rained (when volcano erupts rain volume also increases, some geographical knowledge), everywhere became muddy, just like shit. And the smell of sulphur and don't know what chemicals, made it worse.

Calm Before The Storm

Although we had all the ash, but the days after that were quite peaceful (which I stated above, the peaceful days). We had normal activities on, just that we were wearing mask whenever we went out.

Some people even said the status changed back to Siaga already. But I know this was not the end yet. In 1930, the activity of Merapi lasted for more than 1 year. And now just a few days and they want to call it safe? Naive innocent fools. So I still jaga-jaga.

Beginning of The End

On midnight of 4 November, while I was playing game in my room, I heard something like thunder sound, and the sound of like heavy rain whacking the roof, the tapping sound was very loud. I didn't know it was RAINING SMALL STONES until Chew told me. And the thunder sound was actually the sound of eruption. And the frequent shaking of the ground is because of the big eruption.

I stayed until quite late that night, fearing worse would come, but still slept at around 3am. The next day I had class on 8am, so I woke up at 7am. Just when I close my alarm, I received a message. UGM cancelled all the classes today. I was damn happy because I didn't really ready for the class. Then we were told to gather at campus and we were going to evacuate to Solo, some 60km away from Jogja. After waiting and waiting, we went to Solo and reach there quite late. I began to ask my parents to get ready to book ticket to come back to Malaysia, but there were some documents we needed to do to come back, so everything was uncertain.

The only confirmed thing was, we were going to go to Solo, and became refugee. What came in my mind was, staying at some fucked up hall, sharing toilets, sleeping on the floor.... So I was praying real hardcorely hard to go back to Malaysia.

Fresh Air Once Again

As the bus went further away from Merapi, I could see the roads becoming blacker, the people not wearing mask, the cars were clean (in Jogja all vehicles were ASHy, because even if you wash everyday, when wind blew all the ash would drop from trees and all the efforts were shits). Although the journey was long (it took about 3 hours), and we were hungry, but we were going to stay at hotel! Okay, a lousy one. But still better than any fucking hall.

So we went to Solo Grand Mall and had dinner there. The first thing I thought about Solo is... WOW, it is like Cameron Highlands! Because it was green! But honestly, Solo is just a normal town. I felt that way because I had been seeing white trees and leaves for one week.

Then, we were told that we would be going back... on the next day's midnight 2am. Meaning we had tomorrow to spend, then the night don't need to sleep already and get ready to go back Malaysia. So it was a happy ending afterall...

Disappointment

We went to Solo Square, just to found out there was not much thing there. Then we went to a stupid warnet, and then went to Solo Grand Mall again. I had some damn nice dinner there. And went back quite early to get ready for departure. I was like... Goodbye Solo.

We had a briefing at 10pm about our departure. And it was a damned disastrous briefing. Due to some problems, the original plan which we were going back to Malaysia by MAS was spoiled. We would go back using TUDM aircraft and there would be 4 flights in total. The first 2 flight would be on the next day (Sunday). The other 2 on Monday. And the priotity would be given to Sabahan and Sarawakians, those who sick and juniors. I was like... SHIT! Can I get to the first day flight?

That was damn fucking stress session when they reading out names one by one. It was like when there is the end of the world and they are announcing names of those who get to board the airship to escape.

Luckily, I was in 2nd flight, which was still on Sunday. But it was 2pm man, still a long way to go...

Unusual Flight

We reached airport quite on time, but the procedures were too slow. And there was a change again, because Malaysia only got one day permit to land its army aircraft on Indonesia land. So from 4 flights it was cut down to 3 flights, and all on Sunday.

We finally got onto the aircraft at about 5pm, and the journey took 4 hours. Which means we would reach Malaysia at 10pm. The aircraft was the type used to carry army stuff, the entrance is at behind. there are 4 rows of seats without seat belt. We squeezed ourselves inside it, ass touching ass. And the toilet was epic, it was just surrounded by short wall and curtain.

Finally, I reached here at 10pm, then we had meeting with some people. And finally I reached home at 4am, with my whole family bringing me from Subang back to SP.

火山爆发

2010-10-30T15:24:00.002+08:00

这种情况持续了差不多一个星期。自从Merapi从siaga变成awas之后，生活改变了很多。

为了做好准备，我们收拾了一个小书包，里面装着passport等重要文件，还有水、食物，和一些紧急时需要用的东西。万一发生什么事，只要拿了书包就直接跑。
所以，每一天去campus书包都很重。不是我怕死，而是以防万一。

每一天晚上，我都守夜到三点，然后换人。虽然我的家有7个人，可是一部分人是不可靠的，所以我坚持要自己守夜。这个也不是我怕死，只是我们不知道这一次的破坏力有多大，有传闻说它这一次比2006年强10倍。如果真的强10倍，我再怎么准备也是死。如果是强5倍，至少我可能能活。

看着那班人，白天还做一些无聊费神的事情，晚上回家对我说“好累，有什么事情记得叫我。”，你就知道，靠人不如靠自己。

一个星期，晚上不睡好，白天又上课。校方根本不把它当一回事。越来越多人死了。救护车向Merapi赶去，或向医院冲来。鸣声听得很倦。星期四去campus的时候，看到很多人停了motor站在路边。一辆lorry载着三个棺材驾过我旁边。
我知道，这一次是真的。

昨晚，下了一场雨。和平时的雨不同。平时的雨我们都怕，有sulphur溶在里面。昨晚的雨，是沙雨。把火山灰和沙从25km外带到这里。开门一看，屋子好像建在海滩那样。Motor完全被沙盖了。树叶都是沙。一阵风吹过，沙和灰飘落，顿时陷入沙暴。

ash rain aftermath 2

2010-10-30T14:25:00.010+08:00

ash rain aftermath 1

2010-10-30T09:41:00.008+08:00

this morning, even we are 25km away from the furious merapi, it still rained ash and sand. the result? almost 5mm of sand covering the ground.

n8

2010-10-25T20:18:00.006+08:00

more of N8 photos.

btw, merapi erupting soon, and i have to be prepared for the worst.
lets hope nothing serious will happen and i still can go back to msia...

2010-10-23T18:27:00.002+08:00

guess what? savings of one whole year is in this box.

this is it. :D

YS Novels

2010-10-19T22:34:00.002+08:00

Today is a memorable day because...
there are 50 people "like" YS Novels!

To anyone who support me and has not "liked" the page, you are welcomed to do so.
LOL.
I am not forcing anyone to like it. Do it on your own will.

I already have the whole story done in my mind, I just don't have time to write it down.
Sorry for the delay of updating.
Due to postponed exam date, I have lesser free time to write.
So I might need more than a week after exam to finish it.

As for the sequel, I have the main idea already.
I am just waiting for more support to have the job starts.
And I really hope, this will be the novel that will change my life.

Before I stop, I must say that this sequel is 100% my original idea with some reference from some sources for detailed information, not the story.
While the current novel...
not 100% my original idea because some of them are my real life experiences and some are from other sources.

2010-10-13T23:58:00.002+08:00

i used this whole day to finish my methodology assignment.
this is foolish.
yes it is.
i dont even have any research, and i need to do a proposal.
and i crap all the things.
but i need citations.
and best of all, i have done a 11-page proposal.
what i feel now is grateful, relieved, and ... sleepy.
somehow my strategy worksand i finish it on time.
and because of this methodology, i have my powerpoint's virginity broken.
this is the first time i do something on powerpoint.
i hope tomorrow i will get at least 7 mark for this methodology.

for the novel, these few days visitors to the site has been decreasing, a lot.
but i understand that without update who wants to go?
so its ok, im not feeling disappointed about that.
after the exam i am going to continue.
and lets see if the site will have some visitors back.
and for the sequel, i actually have the idea already.
but without any supporters or readers, what for i write it down?
thats why i set my target of 50 votes to start writing it.
and the idea of the story, i have already had it since somewhere may or june this year.
just that it is hard for me to write the beginning.
but if it is a sequel, then it will be much more easier to begin the story.
as i said, the sequel has a fantasy world setting, with ru guo as main protagonist.
previously in my idea, the main protagonist was a summoner.
but now, if i have enough supports, the protagonist has to be a mage.

ok, get back to the current novel.
there are still some incidents to happen before the conflict comes.
and like what i told some of my friends, the end will be somewhat predictable.
but it is not like what they think.
this is not a novel mainly about romance.
romance is just part of the novel.
so the end is not always be 2 people get together.
or two people who love each other got seperated.
i have revealed enough clues along the story how this will end.

and to those who havent voted, no matter you support me or not, please vote so that i know how many people are actually supporting me.
im not that kind of people who want tobe the centre of attention.
its just that without your support, i am like writing on the wall.
and it looks stupid.
its just like plants grow taller not because they want your attention.
but they need to get sunlight.
same here.
i need to grow taller not because i want to get attention but i need to survive.
survive in the world of writing.

愿圆缘

2010-10-12T21:04:00.002+08:00

源远苑

怨缘远

缘原圆

愿缘援鸳

缘鸳圜媛

爰冤

媛远院

鸳怨

源院

缘渊援鸳圆愿

2010-10-09T12:58:00.002+08:00

for people who want to support my novels, here you go.

i created a page on facebook few days ago, and on the first day the response was more than what i expected.

and on second day, as expected, there was no response.

actually i do not need too much response, what i really need is just support. i need more support to have motivation to continue writing. and my ultimate aim is to have my novels get published.

but if i cant even get support from my friends, how am i going to get more supporters?

that is why i am hoping that my friends and family who support me will suggest the page to more people out there, and if i really have enough supporters, my novels can be published without any problems.

and i want to thank all of you who have been supporting me. and to those who dont like me or my novels, sorry.

2010-10-07T07:19:00.002+08:00

number of visitors of my blog does not show the number of REAL readers of it.

so now, with less than 30 visitors to my novel, i have how many readers only?

dont know.

it is quite a failure having so little readers after so long time and after so much advertisement.

but i will continue writing it to the end.

梦想

2010-10-05T22:13:00.002+08:00

我问我自己，我有什么梦想？

其实我现在这个时候所拥有的梦想，是……

第一：拥有自己的书，自己写的小说。我觉得能够握住自己写的小说，那是最幸福的事情。我不需要很出名，我不需要赚很多钱，我的梦想就只是拥有自己的书。

第二：能够享受生活。这个梦想相信谁都有。

第三：能够顺利地过完大学生活。大学生活真是让我太失望了，我也不知道怎样形容，总之就是大学生活，不是我所期望的生活。

如果我的梦想都成为现实，我会写一系列的小说，由《我的高中生活》为前传，接下来的故事将会是奇幻型故事。可是如我所说的，大学生活太失望了，所以要接下去好像有一点困难。

2010-09-30T21:45:00.001+08:00

Today my friend and I finally bought some stupid fish as our pets. But I don't know how long will they survive, just hope you guys can tahan as long as possible.

The small home for these 3 small fellas. I don't know is it ok to have them without any oxygen pump.

2010-09-28T23:47:00.003+08:00

i have received some comments (yes, only some -_-) for my novel. well, i know it is not good enough to be called good, but i am trying my best to write it out, since it is my first after so many years.

pisau sudah berkarat ya.

but then i slowly find that i like to write more on fantasy stuffs. this novel is supposed to be somehow near to the real settings, so i control myself, to make the fantasies as only parts of the story, and decided to write a sequel which would be world of fantasy, if i have more than 50 supporters. i know it is kind of impossible because i dont think i have more than 10 readers at the moment. and i also lack of time to really focus on writing novels. this medic school life is killing my time.

your comments, no matter positive or negative, are my motivation to continue writing. although my novel appears to be so cold there, i still work hard for it and spend a lot of time there. now i have already had the main storyline, and 2 of my friends nearly got the ending correct, but still a bit wrong lah. at least i know i have revealed enough clues for the ending.

and i have done a little bit of translation for the novel, but i personally think that it is much a failure. first of all, some jokes are really funny in mandarin, but when it goes to english, it is not funny at all and appears to be crap. and my english is also too bad for producing a novel. so as i doing the translating job, i find that i am wasting a lot of time and producing something not worth.

so for now, i will be focusing on my studies (yes i am trying to do this!) and also my novel in mandarin first. my plan is to finish it during week 2 of the next block. the climax of the story is more to sci-fi and fantasy, so hope my readers can accept it and understand it. because it was my idea for a novel in ktt time.

2010-09-18T20:07:00.002+08:00

如果一切顺利，而且我还记得今天想到的东西，明年七月或八月，我会再写一篇小说。什么风格还不确定。可能用标准华语啦。因为我们的华语很难写出来。

《我的高中生活》在近几日会进入第二年。会有一些新的元素在里面。希望读者会明白我的心思，不要把故事当作现实。有狐狸精等等东西希望你们能够接受它为一个故事。因为这个故事包括了科幻、奇幻、玄学、鬼话、梦幻、现实、生活、爱情、亲情、友情……所以尽量放大想像力，不要约束自己的思想。

接下来我有写的，是一个在这个假期跟朋友谈天不小心讲到的一个东西。请大家耐心等待。明天应该就会写完了。

想知道那个“东西”是什么？
就是……
如果一个人的名字是如果。

2010-09-18T01:21:00.002+08:00

this is the last post by me from malaysia in 2010.

two weeks ago i put my bags on the floor in my house.

a few hours later i am going to carry them up again.

a new academic year awaits, with much pressure on my head.

somehow i have lost the motivation to be the best like i used to be.

i call it matured, but others see it as failure.

there are many things we need to do, and i am putting more effort on those things.

but then, the requirement must be met.

maybe, other people will understand in the future.

going back to jogja means i need to start working already.

and getting to play dota again.

and writing more vigorously again.

织梦巷

finally it's 2012

20、30、40

小说

星空

The Rose

步步惊心

再次住院 x_x

钱不够用

两年

曾经拥有

回到印尼了

结论

恶梦

特别

明天·再明天

成长

累

云

回到家的日子

你要我做什么？

my beliefs

流水小鱼无几几。青山蓝河配白云。岸边花卉若放情。可怜无人赏此景。花终谢而水不止。人终去而魂不离。

情丝如雨绵绵。我心如云沉沉。她语如风冷冷。缘份如雾蒙蒙。雨下之时，她将皱眉。雨下之时，我心如裂。雨下之时，思念似狂。雨下之时，于我房中。

誓言

接下来的作品

真正的Bahasa Malaysia

self conflict again

emo...

我的高中生活

what a way to end this short holiday

Ido's Album

如果传

Full Episode of My Life with Merapi

火山爆发

ash rain aftermath 2

ash rain aftermath 1

n8

YS Novels

愿圆缘

梦想

流水小鱼无几几。
青山蓝河配白云。
岸边花卉若放情。
可怜无人赏此景。
花终谢而水不止。
人终去而魂不离。

情丝如雨绵绵。
我心如云沉沉。
她语如风冷冷。
缘份如雾蒙蒙。
雨下之时，她将皱眉。
雨下之时，我心如裂。
雨下之时，思念似狂。
雨下之时，于我房中。